Microsoft Acquires Nothing

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, September 9, 1998

from the pigs-are-flying dept.

REDMOND, WA -- In an unprecedented move, Microsoft refrained from acquiring any rival companies for a full week. "I can't believe it," one industry analyst noted. "This is the first time in years that I haven't read any headlines about Microsoft acquiring something."

The lack of Microsoft assimilation this week left a vacuum in computer industry publications. "Microsoft acquisition stories make up 10% of our headlines," an editor at Ziff-Slavis said. "We had to scramble to fill this void. We ran some controversial Jessie Burst columns instead, hoping that we could recoup ad revenue from people reading all the flames in the Talk Back forums. Jessie Burst forums account for 15% of our total ad revenue."

InfoPlanet also faced a small crisis in filling its headlines. "We were so desperate for news that we ran a story about Mark McGwire. Since the groundskeeper who caught home run 62 uses Linux at home, we were able to justify this as computer news. Sort of. Okay, maybe not."

Industry pundits are at a loss to explain the cease in Microsoft acquisitions. "They can't innovate products by themselves. They have to acquire ideas from other companies. If Microsoft doesn't start assimilating some more companies soon, they could be in big trouble," Bob Y. Cringely said. Another pundit observed, "Bill must be on vacation or something. This can't be right. Maybe Microsoft is worried about the upcoming anti-trust court case? I'm surprised Microsoft hasn't acquired a couple of Seattle law firms yet."

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