Richard Stallman and Bill Gates meet in airport lobby; thousands killed in resulting explosion

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Saturday, September 12, 1998

from the who-needs-nuclear-weapons? dept.

Today at a small unknown airport, the death toll continues to rise as reports of the aftermath of what is known as the greatest tragedy to befall the software world continue to roll in.

Surviving witnesses report that they saw a bearded man in a wierd robe carrying an odd-looking scepter walked into the airport lobby. He stopped in the middle of the crowded room and started preaching the benefits of publicly developed software to the gathering crowd. Unfortunately, one of the people in that crowd was none other than Bill Gates, who was reported to be looking "slightly miffed".

The recounting of the ensuing events are scetchy, but witnesses say that the bearded man stopped his speech in mid-sentence when he spotted the renowned billionare, and loudly screamed "YOU!", pointing his finger at Bill Gates. He then raised his scepter before the fleeing crowd, where a blue halo of gathering energy started appearing. When the energy reached a certain threshold, a lightning bolt sprang forth towards Mr. Gates.

Gates, being quick to react, pressed a button on his wristwatch, and a force field envoloped around him, protecting him from the lightning bolt. Seconds later, the force field flickered out and died, reportedly because his wristwatch blue screened. Bill Gates then ran towards Richard Stallman with his hands outstretched to strangle the MIT graduate. When they made contact, the resulting explosion killed nearly everyone nearby, leveled the airport, and knocked out the power in 27 states and Canada.

Scientists, while still looking at possible reasons for this tragedy, initially theorized that the explosion was a textbook matter-antimatter release of energy. "This is too obvious to ignore. Bill Gates and Richard Stallman are opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to software philosophy. It comes to us as no surprise that their meeting would result in this kind of calamity," said one scientist.

Microsoft downplayed the incident in its usual smug manner. "Bill Gates was never an important person in our organization," said Steve Ballmer, now CEO of Microsoft and the new Lord of the Realms. "This will not affect Microsoft's business plan now or in the future." Ballmer then pressed a button that instantly reprogrammed all of Microsoft's stockholders into believing Bill Gates never existed, and Microsoft stock reached an all-time high. [Who is this Bill Gates person the reporter keeps talking about, anyways? -Ed.]

Eric S. Raymond, long-time friend and occasional foe of Richard Stallman, said "We in the Linux community will miss Richard immensely. He was always fond of saying, 'Think free speech, not free beer'. So tonight we'll be commemerating him by giving away free beer tonight at the Linux Pavillion.

Government athorities are hell-bent on keeping this tragedy from happening again, so they are working at keeping prominent figures from ever meeting each other. These figures include Jesse Burst and Rob Malda, members of the LSA and many Slashdot readers, and Nicholas Petreley and that guy who writes those damned @lex columns.

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