Nerds Panic Over Slashdot Outtage
Fake News written by on Friday, September 25, 1998
Nerds everywhere are panicking over the recent Slashdot outtage. Experts fear the worst as thousands of Slashdot addicts begin to suffer withdrawl symptoms. "This could get real ugly," one psychologist warns. "Tens of thousands of nerds are desperate. I don't want to think about what might happen."
Consequences of Slashdot's downtime are already becoming visible. Depressed Linux hackers aren't programming. A GNOME contributor said, "I just can't think about programming. All I can think is 'Slashdot... Slashdot... Please Rob Malda, get Slashdot online soon... I need my fix of Stuff That Matters right now!'" Kernel development and other projects have come to a grinding halt.
In addition, traffic on the Internet has increased exponentially. "Tens of thousands of nerds are sitting in front of their terminals hitting the Reload button on their browser, hoping and praying that they might finally connect to Slashdot," one pundit notes. "I've never seen anything like this. The Starr Report was a drop in the bucket compared to this. Let's just hope Slashdot goes back online before the Internet collapses."
People suffering from Slashdot withdrawl symptoms should contact the Slashdot Addicts Support Group. The founder of the group announced, "These are hard times for us all. If we can pull together, maybe we can make it until such time that Slashdot is back online. Maybe. Okay, maybe not. PANIC!!!!!"
Some Slashdot regulars view the outtage as a blessing. "I went outside for the first time in six months," one Dothead acknowledges. "I just now found out that the house across the street from me has been bulldozed to make room for a ten story apartment! This has been a real eye-opening experience for me." Another Slashdot addict confessed, "It took several minutes for my eyes to get adjusted to the bright sunshine outside. The only rays I've been getting lately are from my CRT as I browse Slashdot. I can't believe how much time I've wasted reading 'first comment!' posts and petty flame wars. Wow!"