Update: Slashdot Panic Over

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, September 27, 1998

from the no-more-slashdot-outtages-please dept.

Thousands of nerds breathed a little easier late Friday evening when Slashdot went back online. "That was too close to call," one Dothead commented. "I don't think I could've taken too many more hours of Slashdot downtime." Two groups of Dotheads, never wanting to live through the same crisis again, have presented plans to prevent future Slashdot outtages.

The first plan involves the new SLASH (SLASH Locates Accumulated Slashdot Hypertext) Protocol. Under this plan, Dotheads will download a SLASH client (dubbed Slashzilla) that displays the latest Slashdot headlines when the user is online. SLASH will employ sophisticated compression technology that could, in theory, produce compression ratios over 95%. Slashdot is filled with repitition that is very compressible. After all, most comments fall into certain categories:

  • "First comment!"
  • "First comment posters should be sent to Redmond!"
  • "[Insert ZDNet FUD columnist here] sucks" (or, "is on the Microsoft payroll!")
  • "Microsoft is evil!"
  • "The quality of Slashdot is going downhill!"
  • "I'm an Anonymous Coward because I've lost my password"
  • "You suck!"
  • "The author of this article sucks!"
  • "KDE sucks because of the Qt library!"
...ad nauseum...

In addition, many of the articles posted to Slashdot are similar:

  • "Another ZDNet FUD article"
  • "Cringely writes another great Linux article"
  • "So-and-so Magazine mentions Linux"
  • "More Transmeta rumors"
  • "American Computers claims to have invented a time travel"
  • "Another Microsoft dirty trick exposed"
  • "Linux 2.0.36 patch 145 released"
  • "RMS' latest initiative"
  • "Windowmaker changes name to TrademarksSuck"
  • "Wednesday's Quickies"
  • "Themes.org Update"
  • "So-and-so product changes its license"
  • "New Windows security hole/bug discovered"
...ad infinitum...

"It should be pretty obvious that SLASH can produce tremendous savings in bandwidth by making use of repitition," a SLASH proponent explained. "This should help make Slashdot more reliable and allow nerds to get their fixes even faster. This is just so cool."

The second plan employs Usenet to distribute Slashdot articles and comments. Under this plan, dubbed "UseDot", a new Usenet hierarchy would be created for Slashdot, slash. Articles would be posted to the guarded slash.get.your.fix group. Discussion would take place in a variety of groups, including: slash.first.comment, slash.you.suck.suck.suck, slash.i-hate.jesse.berst, slash.actual.useful.discussion.yeah.right, slash.evil.empire.bashing, slash.flame.war.get.your.asbestos.suit.ready, and others. Since Usenet is de-centralized, nerds would no longer have to worry about slashdot.org crashing.

Wesley Crusher Rob Malda was unavailable for comment at press time.

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