Microsoft Hires Infinite Number of Monkeys

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Saturday, October 31, 1998

from the will-these-monkeys-get-stock-options? dept.

In a move that many critics consider questionable, Microsoft reportedly hired Infinite Monkeys Inc. to help write the upcoming Windows 2000. Infinite Monkeys Inc. is an infinitely large company located in another dimension whose work force consists of an infinite number of monkeys typing away at an infinite number of keyboards. Microsoft officials stated that "An infinite number of monkeys has been said to be able to write out the complete works of Shakespeare given enough time. It only makes sense that we hire their services to complete Windows 2000, due to be released by the year 17 googol to the googol power A.D."

Scientists are skeptical of Microsoft's move, since the expected amount of time for the project to be completed would far exceed the life expectancy of the universe. Microsoft proponents countered that Windows 2000 probably wouldn't have been released under that time frame anyways, and the move to hire an infinite number of monkeys will do nothing but speed up the process.

To complicate matters even further, Microsoft began moving these monkeys over to our dimension by the quadrillions without taking into account the total mass of monkeys that could safely be supported by the planet Earth. Despite warnings by many in the scientific field, Microsoft moved the monkeys to their Redmond campus to begin work immediately. However, as the total mass increased, it reached a critical point and caused the Earth to collapse into a body resembling a neutron star.

"I don't understand how Microsoft can get away with these anticompetitive practices," reported one customer. "Look at me! I'm nothing more than a trace of iron on the crust of a stellar core fragment! The Government should do something now to stop the juggernaut!" Another retorted "Why should we stop Microsoft from making great products, no matter what it takes? I'm sick of all these whiners complaining about being blown into the far reaches of a newly formed nebula or being squashed into a random mixture of subatomic particles. They're just jealous of Microsoft's ingenuity."

On a positive note, Microsoft has reported that the monkeys have shown progress. Almost immediately after starting their work, the word "Bill" was found in the random mess of characters. However, observers began to worry when the word "sux" was found a little bit later. But Microsoft officials are not pessimistic, since in addition to these words, "micr7woft", "sT33v Ballm3r", and the specifications for the SMB networking protocol in its entirety were found in the random text (many pundits weren't surprised at the last item being found in the random string of characters, since it is hypothesised that the SMB protocol was written by a bunch of monkeys in the first place).

Meanwhile, the influx of monkeys continues unabated to what's left of the Redmond campus, and signs are showing that the entire galaxy is threatened by the greatly increased mass of the Earth. Some speculate that the Milky Way will turn into a Quasar and then a giant Black Hole and destroy the entire universe as we know it.

A Microsoft spokeperson in a prepared statement said, "Llkskfd8c982-1329 isd azox]2`` dsif OIUPH)&(*&sn .zx;z./s"

When Wall Street (or what remains of it) closed today MS stock sold at 100 bucks a share, up 230 points. Infinite Monkeys, Inc. stock rose 3 1/4 to close at Infinity.

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