Linux Boycott Campaign Formed

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, November 16, 1998

from the a-fool-and-his-money-are-soon-using-windows dept.

SEATTLE, WA -- The inaugural meeting of the new Linux Boycott Campaign was held last Friday at a neighborhood Burglar King restaurant. About 30 people attended to receive discount coupons on Microsoft Windows NT and free Burglar King WalletWhopperTM sandwiches and other food.

The newly elected president of the LinCott campaign said, "Our goal is to expose the many flaws in Linux and open source software and show that commercially developed solutions such as Windows NT/2000 are infinitely superior. The fact that several members of LinCott are Microsoft employees does not mean this organization is biased in any way."

Humorix was unable to retrieve the official LinCott manifesto, "The Cast Against Linux", due to "Server Too Busy" errors from the NT/IIS-hosted website. However, one LinCott charter member kindly sent us that document via email. Several points raised in the document include:

  • Linux is inherently insecure: Because hackers from all across the globe have access to the source code, bugs and buffer overflows can be easily detected and exploited. 'Security through obscurity', the model that Microsoft's programs are built on, does not have this problem, which explains the government's C2 certification of NT. Linux does not have this certification, and never will.

  • Linux's future is uncertain: Windows NT is backed by Microsoft, a company that will be around even after a nuclear holocaust. Linux, on the other hand, is backed by.... uh, nobody. No company backs Linux. It's hard telling what might happen in the coming years to Linux. I don't want to take that chance, and neither should you!

  • Nobody liable to support Linux: What happens if Linux fails? There is no backing company to blame. You're out-of-luck if your mission critical Linux system bites the dust. Likewise, there's no company to provide technical support if you have a problem. You have to ask your questions on Usenet or various mailing lists, often times resulting in hundreds of flames saying, "Read the [expletive] manual or FAQ, you little [expletive]!!!!!!"

  • Linux is developed by a bunch of snot-nosed 14 year old hackers with acne and no life: Would you trust your company's data to an OS with this kind of development model? I didn't think so.

  • TANSTAAFL!: Robert Heinlein wrote, "There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch". This applies to Linux: once this OS goes mainstream, the developers and distributors will stop giving it away and you'll have to pay exorbitant prices for upgrades, bug fixes, security patches, and new software. Linux isn't "free" and everyone with half a brain knows it!

  • No software for Linux: Linux doesn't support Office, Internet Explorer, Adobe PhotoShop, Visual Basic, or any other market-leading commercial software package. Plus, the number of native Linux games is abyssmally small. A modern OS must have an abundance of games or nobody can possibly take it seriously.

  • Could you get fired for using Linux?: Nobody ever got fired for choosing Microsoft.

  • Command lines are 70s technology: Typing commands is so primitive! Thankfully NT doesn't have this ass-backwards "technology" and allows simple point-and-shoot navigation and configuration. Ever tried creating a GIF image using only a command line? Ha! GUIs rule, CLIs drool!

  • Linux is hard to install: Most Linux installations require users to repartition their hard drives! This is, without a doubt, a very complicated, even risky, procedure. Windows 9x/NT doesn't require this nonsense: it can monopolize your hard drive, freeing you from the troubles associated with using fdisk. In addition, many aspects of Linux must be setup or configured using a text editor. Ever tried using Linux's text editor, vi? Not for long, I bet! Real OSes have GUI interfaces, primitive OSes like Linux require tinkering with text files. Of course, most computers come with Windows pre-installed, so installation isn't even necessary! The fact that no major OEM pre-installs Linux proves that Linux is a piece of crap.

The document then goes on to explain what users can do to support the campaign, including: boycotting Linux and all open source software, buying lots of Microsoft software, giving Internet Explorer CDs to friends and neighbors, subscribing to Slate and Microsoft Magazine, donating money to the Bill Gates Mansion Fund, staging protests in front of stores that sell Linux, throwing dead skunks in the yards of open source software developers (addresses and driving directions are provided), flooding Slashdot and similar forums with "Linux sucks!" messages, etc.

A person participating in the Linux Drinking Game should be quite drunk after reading the LinCott manifesto. Even as I type this, several Humorix staffers are passed out here at Humorix World Headquarters.

The second LinCott meeting is scheduled for December 15 at the picnic shelter in Marymoor County Park in Redmond. A Microsoft spokesperson will be on hand to demonstrate the new ActiveSolitaire game to be integrated into Windows 2000 (assuming a source of electrical power can be found). Items on the agenda include deciding on a new motto ("Shutting the Windows on Linux" is one suggestion) and investigating the possibility of touring the Microsoft campus. Free Internet Explorer CD-ROMs will be available to all attendees.

The Seattle Linux User Group had planned to hold a rally on December 15 to upstage LinCott, but, in the words of the LUG president, "Why bother?"

Microsoft, Linus Torvalds, and the Microsoft Boycott Campaign were unavailable for comment at press time.

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