Crack(pot) Scientist Warns of 'Black Hole Problem'

Fake News written by Robert G. Werner on Wednesday, December 2, 1998

from the einstein-is-turning-in-his-grave dept.

NEW YORY, NY -- Noted theoretical physicist and doom-and-gloom predictor Dryphus G. Corgley warned of the 'Black Hole Problem' at a symposium held at New York Upstairs Community College yesterday. Corgley claims that /dev/null could reach the point of critical mass and cross the line from simple bit bucket to gravitational well. His dire warning stems from the earlier discussion about the back hole properties of /dev/null held at the Unconventional Scientist Convention '98 last week.

"Everyone knows Unix has been around in various forms for nearly 30 years. With all that crap going into /dev/null over such a long period, we should see an Event Horizon developing around the earliest model PDP-11 within the next 10 months," ranted Dryphus G. Corgley. He went on to state emphatically, "Other models will follow at an exponential growth rate until by December 31, 1999 all Unix and Linux machines will begin making their own /dev/null induced holes. These miniature black holes will rapidly coalesce into one microscopic gravity well, swallowing the Earth in the process. The gravity well could be the most massive object this side of the galactic core."

Ironicaly, according to the scientist's calculations, the Seattle, WA area will be the last chunk of Earth to be sucked into the gravity well. This is due to the high concentration of Microsoft OS-based computers. "Microsoft rejected Unix tradition and instead used the Blue Screen of Death as a mechanism to periodically empty the Recycle Bin," stated one of Corgley's vapid assistants.

When asked for clarification as to how /dev/null could be the source of such dense matter, Corgley responded with phrases such as "Einsteinian quantam relativity", "the sub atomic nature of quarks and glueons", and "three bottles of beer to demonstrate the conversion of energy to matter."

Many of the scientists attending the symposium were skeptical of Corgley's claims. One joked, "The only gravity well we'll ever deal with is from the critical mass of bloat reached by Microsoft software during the next decade." Another asked, "Aren't you the same guy that was recently featured in a National Expirer tabloid article for having a chicken that lays gold and silver eggs? I think you have a bit of a credibility problem."

One symposium attendee, a Microsoft employee, was quick to put a positive spin on Corgley's theory. "This is yet another reason why Unix systems are inferior to Windows NT^H^H2000 systems. With Windows, you don't have to worry about being sucked into a black hole. Bill Gates is clearly the savior of the human race for trying to end the hideous plot by Unix developers to destroy the solar system."

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