"Toilet Vortex" Produces Red Hat 10.0

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, January 1, 1999

from the everyone-needs-their-own-temporal-singularity dept.

Bob Hutzfield has put a dozen copies of "Red Hat Linux 10.0" up for auction at eBay.com. He claims that his toilet is the portal to a "temporal vortex singularity" and that the toilet periodically spits out items from the future. Last week, a package containing twelve Red Hat Linux 10.0 shrink-wrapped boxes materialized at the toilet vortex. Hutzfield is now offering them at auction with a minimum bid of US$1000.

The following press release was taken from the eBay auction page. Hutzfield claims that he found this press release inside the package that emerged from his toilet vortex.


RED HAT LINUX 10.0
June 15, 2002
Press Release
For Immediate Release

RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- HypeNewsWire -- Red Hat, the producer of the most popular Linux distribution with over 25 million estimated users, is proud to announce the availability of Red Hat Linux 10.0. The latest version contains the new Linux 6.2 kernel, the Z Window System 2.0, full support for legacy Windows 3.x/9x/200x/NT software apps, and more. Copies of Red Hat Linux 10.0 will be available in stores on CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, or GNUDE (GNU Digital Encoding) disks within the next week.

Compaq, Dell, Gateway, and several other large computer manufacturers have announced that they will offer computer systems with Red Hat 10.0 pre-installed. "We can sell systems with Red Hat pre-installed for considerably less than systems with Microsoft ActiveWindows 2001. Overall, Red Hat Linux's superior quality, low price, and modest system requirements puts Windows to shame," one Dell spokesperson said at last week's LinDex convention.

Some of the new features of Red Hat Linux 10.0 include:

  • xlib7 support - Red Hat has fully migrated from libc6 to the new xlib7 C libraries. Meanwhile, other Linux distributions such as Slackware are still using the ancient libc5 system.

  • GNUDE disk drivers - The 6.2 kernel has support for the GNU Project's GNUDE disk format (with 1 terabyte maximum capacity) built-in. Full GPLed specifications for the GNUDE drive and interface are available from the gnu.org website, along with step-by-step instructions for creating your own GNUDE drive out of inexpensive parts.

  • Updated WINE program - RH 10.0 includes the latest version of WINE with full support for all legacy Windows applications except those written for the new ActiveWindows 2001 version.

  • WordPerfect Suite v.10 - The latest version of Corel's open source office suite with GTK+/GNOME support is bundled with RH 10.0.

[Rest of the press release snipped for the sake of brevity.]


Response to this news has been mostly negative. However, at least one adolescent Slashdot groupie is quite excited. "Wow! This is the coolest thing since Quake! I wonder if that toilet vortex ever spits out any newspapers with, ahem, stock quotes and lottery results from the future. I'd do anything for a copy..."

Overall, though, most observers are highly skeptical. "This Bob Hutzfield (if that's his real name) character put up for auction a portable "fusion power" generator, which he claimed had emerged from his toilet-thingamajig from 2017. I won the bid of $512, but the item I received was actually a plastic box filled with AAA batteries. It was a scam! This person cannot be trusted."

One well-known Linux hacker noted, "I have a bad feeling about this. After all, look how long it took to develop Linux kernel 2.2. Even right now it's not quite finished, and the word "vaporware" has been used more and more. I seriously doubt kernel 6.2 could be reached by 2002 (unless, of course, Linus starts using a Microsoft-like version numbering scheme). Therefore, I think this whole thing is a scam."

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