'Dumb' Virus Hits Ziff-Davis
Fake News written by on Tuesday, January 12, 1999
SILICON VALLEY, CA -- EMS teams were called to the corporate HQ of Ziff-Davis Publishing this morning after a number of journalists and editors were found in a catatonic state. "It was unbelievable," said one paramedic. "They were just sitting there motionless, staring at a Blue Screen of Death." Specialists from the Center for Disease Control were hastily brought in from Atlanta. They quickly made an astonishing discovery.
"Most viruses are genus-specific," said Dr. Ivan Nastikoff. "A cold virus which infects humans won't infect monkeys, for example. But this is the first known case of a virus which can infect both humans and computers! It came over the Internet. It infects people through the keyboard, then causes Windows NT Workstation to crash."
"Progress of the infection is very swift," said Dr. Krankheit. "There is a period of catatonia which lasts approximately thirty minutes. Then the victim recovers, but his intelligence quotient has been permanently lowered."
By analogy with the 'smart' virus which recently attacked MCI, investigators are calling this the 'dumb' virus because it causes major brain damage, effectively reducing the victim's IQ by several points. "But since the average IQ of a Ziff-Davis journalist is quite low, they shouldn't notice any change," said Dr. Krankheit. "They can go right back to bashing Linux and receiving kickbacks from Microsoft."
An anonymous Microsoft spokesman said he knew nothing about the 'dumb' virus, and insisted that Windows NT was the most secure OS in the world, resistant to both viruses and hackers. He also denied reports that Microsoft has been working with the Department of Defense on new forms of germ warfare. "This incident is regretable, but it was beyond our control," the unnamed source said.