Ask Humorix: Portal Mania
Feature written by on Monday, January 18, 1999
We here at Humorix have no qualms against stealing an idea from Slashdot and twisting it for our own purposes. In that spirit, we present this first installment of "Ask Humorix" in which the Humorix Oracle gives fake answers to questions submitted by fake readers.
Today's question, submitted by A. McJenkins: "I've been watching the explosive growth of Internet stocks. I'd like to get in on this, but my brother says that the Net bubble will soon burst. What should I do? Got any hot stock tips to share?"
The Humorix Oracle says:
Dear Materialistic Supplicant:
Your brother is wrong. The explosive growth of high-tech stocks will continue until all of the companies are acquired by Microsoft. Even though many Net companies have shown little or no profit, they are backed by an endless stream of investments from venture capitalists chanting buzzwords like "portal", "new media", and "e-commerce". My advice: invest, invest, invest!
I do have one hot stock tip for you. The Air Capital Linux Users Group will go public with its stock next week. I guarantee that this IPO will be the hottest of the year. [The Humorix legal team wants to point out that this guarantee is not valid in most states. -- The Editor]
I'm sure you're scratching your head, wondering how a small Linux LUG in Kansas has the potential to become a multi-billion dollar company. Simple: they have a portal. The ACLUG Linux News page -- a portal -- combines the news headlines from Slashdot, LinuxToday, Freshmeat, and others, in addition to the latest User Friendly and Dilbert cartoons into one page.
As history has shown, the stock price of any institution maintaining anything remotely resembling a portal has skyrocketed to unbelievable levels. In today's economy, if you create a portal, you're a billionaire instantly. And if you invest in a company with a portal, you can't possibly lose.
[The Oracle's recommendation of ACLUG is based on the objective analysis of stock trends and other factors. The fact that ACLUG prominently displays Humorix headlines on its "portal" page has absolutely no effect on the Oracle's judgement in any way. Or, at least, that's what he claims. -- The Editor]
You owe the Oracle an extra-large Slashdot T-shirt with the slogan "I'm a Slashdot Longhair" on the back.