Is Windows Antique?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, March 6, 1999

from the slide-rules-and-vacuum-tubes dept.

SILICON VALLEY -- The first ever antique mall devoted to computers has opened its doors deep in the heart of Silicon Valley. Named "Stacks of Antiqueues", the new mall features obsolete hardware, old software, and other curiosities that only a nerd would want to buy. The mall also features a whole collection of Microsoft software, which, as can be expected, has the Redmond giant up in arms.

The mall, founded by a group of Linux, FreeBSD, and BeOS users, has a whole section devoted to Microsoft "antiques". Offerings range from a rare (and expensive) copy of Windows 1.0 all the way up to Windows 98. All versions of DOS from 1.0 up are available, in addition to such Microsoft products as Bob, Profit, and Multiplan.

The mall also features an old "OS/2 Programmer's Guide" book, in which Bill Gates is quoted as saying, "I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs."

Bob Hinesdorf, one of the mall's founders, defends the decision to include Microsoft products in its selection of antique computer stuff. "Windows 98 is surely antique; it's based on 16 bit Windows 3.x code, which was based on 16 bit DOS code, which was based loosely on 8 bit CP/M."

When we asked about Linux, which is based on decades-old Unix technology, Hinesdorf replied in an annoyed tone, "Huh? You're trying to compare a Ferrari to a horse-drawn chariot. Sure, both may be based on ancient technology (The Wheel), but the Ferrari is not an antique. Linux's design might be based on Unix, but Windows actually contains 16 bit DOS and Windows code. It's antique, darn it! And why am I arguing with a reporter for a Linux humor site? You're not supposed to defend Microsoft!"

It should come as no surprise that Microsoft is not pleased with the Stacks of Antiqueues mall. Microsoft has gone so far as to issue a scathing press release titled "Windows 95 and 98 are not antiques!" In the press release, Microsoft says, "...Microsoft Windows® features the latest in desktop enhancement technology... The Microsoft legal department is discussing the possibility of suing the antique mall, arguing that their classifying of our products as 'antiques' is recklessly defamatory."

We've heard rumors that a group of Microsoft employees who work at Microsoft's Foster City offices are trying to organize a "Windows is not antique!" protest. The group may march in front of the mall on March 15th and demand that Windows be removed from the shelves.

One observer commented, "If such a protest occurs, it will be the first time in history that Microsoft demands that its products be removed from the shelves of a store."

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