Bill Gates' Visit to Copenhagen
Fake News written by on Wednesday, April 7, 1999
A member of Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm), code-named "Linux Longhair from Denmark", has sent us a preliminary report about the events surrounding Bill Gates' visit to Copenhagen last February.
Subject: Operation You-Know-What
From: "Linux Longhair from Denmark" (Agent #007232A)
To: Humorix World Headquarters
In my previous report (dated February 3rd), I described the preparations being made at the Bella Center in Copenhagen for Chairman Bill's visit to on February 5th. Thanks to these preparations, Bill Gates was not hit by a cream pie, nor were any penguins harmed.
After Gates finally left Denmark, several rumors began to circulate through the streets of Copenhagen:
1. In the early morning hours of the 5th of February a wildebeast (also known as a gnu) charged one of the trucks that transported equipment to the Bella Center for Bill's presentation.
2. Richard M. Stallman was spotted near the Bella Center almost at the same time as the gnu attacked the truck.
3. Shortly before Bill's conference, Microsoft security people hauled all of the ornamental plants from the auditorium where the conference was to be held out into the main hall of the center.
4. Bill Gates runs Linux disguised as Windows 98 on his portable computer.
I am in a position to state that all but one of these rumors are, in fact, true. In January I received -- via unofficial channels, of course -- a box full of genetically engineered grasshoppers capable of recording, storing, and transferring information. I am not at liberty to divulge the source of these high-tech insects.
[The genetically engineered grasshoppers mentioned here are completely different from the genetically engineered virus-carrying insects mentioned here last week. In addition, Jon Splatz just informed me that these insects did not originate from the WORLD Organization, because, as he keeps saying over and over again, "There is no conspiracy". -- The Confused Editor]
I was able to successfully infiltrate the Bella Center. The grasshoppers recorded the entire conference, and later transmitted the data back to the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) Labs.
Armed with the data gleaned from the "bugs", and with my own first-hand knowledge, I can make the following statements about the aforementioned rumors:
1. Yes, there was a gnu involved in the incident with a delivery truck just outside the Bella Center. I should know; the gnu is my pet. The whole incident was a diversion to allow me to get the grasshoppers aboard the truck.
2. No, Richard M. Stallman was not involved. I happen to look like RMS, which is how this rumor got started.
3. Yes, all plants were removed from the conference auditorium by Microsoft security. The plants were found to be massively bugged -- they were invaded by an incredibly large number of tiny bugs (which are shown on this ironic Microsoft webpage).
Somehow Microsoft's security personnel got wind of my activities (does Microsoft have its own Vast Spy Network(tm)?) Upon spotting the bugs, the security team frantically removed the plants. However, they didn't realize that the bugs on the plants were really aphids. While the guards were shuffling plants around, they failed to notice the two inch long grasshoppers resting on the walls surrounding the auditorium.
4. One of the grasshoppers was within visible range of Gates' portable computer during the entire conference. At the end, when Gates started to shut down his machine, a rapid sequence of messages scrolled by. Unfortunately, the grasshopper's visual resolution, even with genetic engineering, was too low to discern the messages. Using the GIMP, however, I was able to enhance one of the images. It plainly shows the message "System halted", a tell-tale sign that the computer was running Linux and not Windows.
Check back in the future for more installments of Linux Longhair's report about Bill Gates' visit to Denmark.