New Crime Identified: "Tech Rage"

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, April 16, 1999

from the fifty-percent-chance-of-crashes dept.

HARRISBURG, IL -- The police department in this Southern Illinois town has coined a new term for a growing trend in crime: "tech rage". Tech rage shares many similarities with another modern crime, "road rage", but instead of affecting drivers, tech rage is experienced by disgruntled computer users.

The first documented case of tech rage occurred last week in Harrisburg. A local TV meteorologist stalked and beat-up a Microsoft salesman from St. Louis, MO. The Microsoft representative, not wanting another confrontation with the disgruntled weatherman, has requested a transfer back to Redmond.

It all started last year when the Microsoft salesman, Bob Glutzfield, convinced the local TV station to "upgrade" its computer systems from Macintosh to Wintel. While the migration seemed successful at first, the Blue Screen of Death became more prevalent during the following months.

Then, in January, the entire computer system crashed in the middle of the weather forecast during the 10 o'clock evening news. Viewers could plainly see the Blue Screen of Death showing in the monitors behind James Roland, the chief meteorologist. Similar incidents occured twice more in February and March. The instability of Windows 98 stretched Roland's patience until he snapped last week and succumbed to tech rage.

Roland tracked down the Microsoft salesman and followed him one evening to his apartment in the St. Louis suburb of Creve Coeur. The weatherman yelled at the bewildered Microserf, "You [expletive]! Because of you, I'm the [expletive] laughing stock of Southern Illinois!" and then proceeded to beat him up.

The disgruntled weatherman is currently out on bond pending trial next month. He was unavailable for comment at press time.

A Harrisburg police officer commented, "Roland's actions are indicative of a larger problem. People are fed up with their poorly designed computers and aren't going to take it anymore. Society needs to take proactive steps to put a stop to this potential crime wave."

As a public service, we have compiled a list of things you can do to avoid tech rage:

1. Install Linux.

That should take care of it.

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