The War Against Linux

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, April 29, 1999

from the insert-lame-star-wars-reference-here dept.

A significant obstacle on the path to Linux World Domination has emerged. A reactionary grass-roots movement has formed to fight, as they call it, "The War Against Linux". This movement, code-named "LinSux", is composed of people (mostly Microsoft stockholders and commercial software developers) who want to maintain the status quo. They are fighting back against the rise of Linux and free software which they see as a threat to their financial independence.

The most damaging attack the LinSux folks have launched is "Three Mile Island", a Windows macro virus designed to inflict damage on computers that contain a partition devoted to a non-Microsoft OS. The virus propogates using similar methods employed by "Melissa" and "Chernobyl". When the victim computer is booted into Windows, the virus activates and deletes any non-Microsoft partitions. Ironically, the many security flaws in Windows allow the virus to damage alternative operating systems but leave Windows unscathed.

"The War Against Linux" has also been fought in more subtle ways. Time-tested methods of Linux advocacy have been turned into subtle forms of anti-Linux advocacy by the LinSux crowd. MSCEs are smuggling NT boxes into companies that predominantly use Linux or Unix. LinSux "freedom fighters" are rearranging books and software boxes on store shelves so that Microsoft offerings are displayed more prominently.

Said one LinSux fighter who wishes to remain anonymous, "I have a high-paying job at a company that produces Windows anti-virus software. Our entire business is based on the lack of security in Microsoft programs. If more secure multiuser operating systems such as Linux gain popularity, our profits will shrink. Linux is, after all, one of the best pieces of anti-virus software on the market. It's my objective to make sure the public doesn't find out about Linux."

A Windows NT system administrator for a local ISP shared a similar viewpoint. "I owe my job to Windows. If this company used a Unix-based system, only a fraction of the system administrators would be needed. I'd probably be out of a job."

Humorix has heard wild rumors that LinSux has plans to kidnap Tux the Penguin. The Gimp, KDE dragon, or BSD daemon could also be ripe targets. In addition, we've heard unconfirmed reports that the LinSux freedom fighters have launched Denial of Service attacks against Slashdot, which might explain why the site has been so unresponsive lately. [It's also possible that the recent Slashdot technical problems are being caused by the dreaded Humorix Effect. -- The Editor]

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