"Linux-killer" Looming on Horizon

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Wednesday, May 19, 1999

from the give-me-a-command-line-or-give-me-death! dept.

Today Linux is installed on millions of web servers, file servers, and cache proxies across the planet. It enjoys is market dominance today because of reliability, stability, and all-around good looks. But a threat is looming on the horizon from a not-so-tiny Redmond-based corporation controlled by a billionaire megalomaniacal geek.

That threat is Windows, an operating system for your PC. An operating system is the software on your computer that manages your files, runs your applications, and downloads your porn for you as you operate your computer. Currently Linux enjoys market dominance in the realm of servers, but can an upstart OS from some rich guy's company threaten that empire?

If Windows is to have a chance at this market, it's got a lot of work ahead of it. For instance, instead of using your computer from a powerful command-line interface, one must use archane dialogue boxes, click though endless tabs that never stay where they should, and mind-numbing "wizards" that try to walk you through every little step in operating your computer.

So even though this OS is not for everybody, here at Humorix testing labs we put Windows to work, and here are the results that amazed even us.

In order to show the validity of our results, first we set up to machines, identical in every respect except one has Windows and the other Linux. Then we brought in an independent benchmarking company called "Minddraft" or something like that to give the facade of being impartial to our readers. Here is a transcript of what followed:

Humorix testing labs: Uh, dude, you pushed the power button on the Linux machine.

Minddraft: See! Look how unstable Linux is! Windows is obviously superior!

Humorix: But dude, you turned the computer off without any warning!

Minddraft: That only proves our point! Look how Linux loses your data when it crashes! (starts kicking Linux box around and throws it out 10th story window). See! Linux has destroyed your computer!

Humorix: Dude! That was my workstation! All my porn is lost!

Minddraft: Maybe now you'll use a proven operating system, dorks!

After we shot the Minddraft benchmarking experts, the world rejoiced.

While we found the "point-and-click" interface to be useful at times, more often than not it merely got in the way. Most hardcore geeks' mice are buried under mounds of empty Mountain Dew cans, and thus it is difficult to locate it when all you want to do is click on the "OK" button (usually when the computer is telling you it needs to reboot). In addition to all this we found the Windows default "theme" to be horribly ugly. Blue on grey? Get serious.

This new "Windows" operating system may one day be considered a threat to Linux, but don't hold your breath. My guess is that Linus Torvalds will remain gainfully employed for quite some time to come. Linux is here to stay.

Summary: For leaching porn purposes, both operating systems performed beautifully. But Windows' difficult GUI interface will hinder it in becoming a contender in the market. Our advice is to use what is industry-proven, enterprise-ready, and nauseatingly buzzword-compliant. Use Linux.

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