Linux Hackers Evolve into Higher Lifeforms

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Wednesday, May 19, 1999

from the will-hack-kernel-for-enlightenment dept.

In a rather surprising development today it was announced early this morning that Dr. Linus Torvalds did not show up to work. Torvald's wife, Tove, called Transmeta to inform them the Linus was unable to come into work today. Here is the transcript of the phone conversation as recorded by the CIA through illegal wire-tapping:

Transmeta secretary: Is Linus sick today?

Tove: Well, sort of. About an hour ago he fell into this trance. I tried to wake him up but he didn't move. All he had was this blissful look on his face.

Transmeta: Are you sure it's not the flu?

Tove: I don't think so.

The conversation goes on for 15 minutes as the two weeded out different possibilities of what Linus could be suffering from (ranging from a hangnail to spontanious human combustion to Star Wars Fever(tm)). When they both realized that Linus was not suffering from your everyday, normal malady, Transmeta was about to hang up the phone when something interesting happened.

Tove let out a surprised yelp, and cried "Oh my god! It's that bald doctor guy from Star Trek Voyager(tm)! You know, the holographic guy who complains about everything!" A voice could then be heard in the background saying "I'm a doctor, not some cheap gimmick to be used in some lame college student's humor article submission to Humorix!"

The phone conversation ended there with the sound of a transporter device beaming away the ailing Linus.

The strange news, of course, is that this was not an isolated incident. Somewhere in Great Britain famed Linux hacker Alan Cox reportedly disappeared in a "great white light". Witnesses say that Alan was entertaining his guests by showing off his brand-new ultra-wide SCSI controller when all of the sudden, he fell silent, only sipping his beer periodically.

"It was wierd," said Alan's wife. "He would sit there and take a sip of his beer. He would then stare at his glass, and after a few seconds the level of the beer rose right there in his cup! It was as though his mind had achieved mastery of space and time to the point where he could create and destroy beer at will." After Alan had consumed enough beer, he promptly departed to another dimension for "a quick visit to the john". He hasn't been seen since.

David Miller was reported to have dropped where he stood. Promptly thereafter, a ghostly white apparition appeared from his chest and rose to the heavens. And Bob Smith, a man who once shook Linus Torvalds' hand at a Linux Expo (he couldn't remember which one), called police this morning saying that the image of the Linux Penguin mascot had appeared in the palm of his hand.

"I was like, what the hell?" said teenager haXX0r d00d Bob Smith. "Then I realized I was very l33t and had my friends pay me 10 bucks a peep to see my hand."

"We we got the call from Mr. Smith" reported police, "we said, 'Ya right buddy. Whatcha been smoking lately?' But then we got the reports of other prominent Linux folks achieving some higher form of consciousness. We put two and two together. Or at least our lab team is working on it. Preliminary reports say that two and two are four, but we will not be completely certain until all the facts are in."

Bill Gates was interviewed today abaout this rather phenominal series of events. He had this to say:

"As you can see the Linux has a very uncertain future. Why trust your company to a bunch of hippie hackers who may one day disappear in a dimensional wormhole as highly-evolved amorphous beings? We here at Microsoft have already evolved to the highest form of intelligence. We're not going anywhere."

A Microsoft programmer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, had this to say however. "Ah screw Bill. I'm downloading Linux tonight. What good are stock options when you can have the universe?" Bill Gates could be heard in his office screaming "No! You can't come for them! I am the one you should take! Take me, pleeeease!!!!"

Even though Linus, Alan, David, and a growing number of kernel hackers could not be reached for comment, we did receive a press release from a group calling themselves the "Higher Order of Computing Elders for the Advancement of the Penguin and the Great Gnu" (HOCEAPGG). This is what it says:

"Well today I released kernel version 2.3.7. This new kernel has a few new features such as World Peace, End to World Hunger, as well as some updates to the networking and filesystem subsystems. Have fun hacking, and let me know if you encounter any strange bugs, such as black holes spontaneously appearing in your bedroom, or the computer hanging when you access your SCSI hard drives.
-- Linus Torvalds, High Poobah of the Winds (damn that chili I ate last night)"

Alan Cox then sent an email stating that his 2.3.7-ac1 patch was out, including the patch for the hole in the ozone layer.

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