The Crystal Ball

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Thursday, June 17, 1999

from the insert-y2k-joke-here dept.

Every once in a while I look into my crystal ball so that I can foresee the future of technology and its role in society. By looking into this ball (also required are a large number of hallucinogens taken prior to the fortune telling), I can see the headlines of events yet to come.

The future is forever moving, however. Things happen at a furious rate, and events blur together rather easily. But here are my predictions for January, 2000 and beyond.

July 2000: Government Issues Update on Y2K Crisis to American Public

In a statement to all U.S. citizens, the President assured that the repairs to the nation's infrastructure, damaged severely when the Y2K crisis hit on January 1, is proceeding on track with the Government's guidelines. The message was mailed to every citizen by mail carriers via horseback. The statement itself was written on parchment with hand-made ink written from fountain pens.

"Our technological progress since the Y2K disaster has been staggering," said the statement. "We have been able to fix our non-Y2K compliant horse carriages so that commerce can once again continue. We believe that we will be able to reinvent steam-powered engines within the next decade. Internal combustion engines should become operational once again sometime before the dawn of the next century."

No one knows when the technological luxuries we once enjoyed as little as 6 months ago will return. Things such as e-mail, the Internet, and all computers were lost when the crisis showed itself for what it really was: a disaster waiting to happen. Scholars predict the mainframe computer will be invented again during the 24th century, sometime after when the Second Dark Ages are predicted to happen.

When asked about his thoughts about the matter, Ex-Humorix Dude Dave Finton replied "Hey I'm just glad I invested in shotguns and canned food at the right time. Now I am leader of my own tribe. However we may have problems when the tribe over in Wisconsin decides to invade our territory to gain access to better hunting. It would be reckless for them to go to war with us, since we've already invented the bow and arrow while they're still stuck on large wooden clubs."

May 2049: Transmeta Updates Webpage

In a bold move that shocked observers everywhere, Transmeta Corp., a secretive Silicon Valley company, updated their webpage.

According to our sources, Transmeta fixed a bug in their existing web page located in the comment "This page contains no tyops". The message has been fixed to read "This page contains no typso".

February 2006: Tux the Penguin and GNU Gnu get Married

In a not-too-surprizing development, Tux the Penguin exchanged vows Thursday with the Free Software Foundation's mascot, the GNU Gnu. Observers say that the marriage was expected since it was suspected that the Gnu's illegitimate child's father was Tux the Penguin.

The child, described as "really really wierd-looking", has been jointly raised by Tux and the GNU Gnu since he (or she or whatever; we're not sure) was born 6 months ago. The marriage was performed to "make things final between us," said the GNU Gnu. Tux added that they wanted to create a stable family for their child to be raised in. "We've always loved each other. We're just doing this for our child's sake."

We left in a hurry soon after. We had to flee when the were-penguin-were-Gnu-child bit the leg off of our camera man and started howling at the moon.

When Hell Freezes Over, 2070: Microsoft Admits Blunder; Investors Shocked

Today Steve Ballmer made a shocking announcement today. In a press release made public only hours ago, Microsoft admitted that it may have made a mistake.

"It started when Microsoft went to the store to buy a bag of chips, and picked up a bag from the shelf without really looking at the ingredients. After eating the whole bag, Microsoft was shocked to discover that the chips were made with that one new fat substitute. You know, the one that causes, um, embarassing streaks in your underwear." said the statement issued by Ballmer.

Microsoft has also said the worst times come when it's time to do laundry at the local laundromat. Ballmer stated "For the most part Microsoft is careful about keeping its boxers in the bottom of the laundry basket. It's really hard for Microsoft to successfully scope out chicks when they can see the, um, evidence of our company's snacking habits. But sometimes when it's putting its laundry in the washing machine, one pair of boxers will fall on the floor and then everybody just stares."

A witness to the laundry incident last weekend was asked what she thought. "Well I understand that Microsoft is getting big and bloated, and it's only trying to trim down by switching to a low-fat snack. But if it's really serious about losing weight it needs to change its life-style habits. First and foremost it has to stop adding 'features' to its operating system and to stop acquiring its business rivals."

Microsoft was unavailable for comment. Microsoft's roommates told reporters that the multi-billion dollar corporation had made a quick trip to the grocery store to "buy more toilet paper".

January 2099: Rob Malda Finally Gets His Damned Nano-Technology

The Linux hacker community finally breathed a collective sigh of relief when it was announced that Rob Malda finally got his damned nanotechnology.

"It's about time!" exclaimed one Dothead. "He been going on about that crap since god-knows-when. Now that he's got that and those wearable computers, maybe we can read about something interesting on Slashdot!"

Observers were skeptical, however. Already the now-immortal Rob Malda nano-cyborg (who reportedly changed his name to "18 of 49, tertiary adjunct of something-or-other") has picked up a few new causes to shout about to the high heavens until everyone's ears start bleeding. In one Slashdot article, Malda writes "Here's an article about the potential of large greyish high-tech mile-wide cubes flying through space, all controlled by a collective mind set upon intergalactic conquest. Personally, I can't wait. Yum."

When asked about this development, our local Dothead muttered angrily "Oh cripes. Not again!"

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