Virgin Mary Relic Destroyed by Internet Cult

Fake News written by Paul Ferris on Friday, June 25, 1999

from the next-will-be-an-elvis-sighting dept.

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA -- Religious supporters here today were shocked as one of the most amazing sightings of the Virgin Mary was destroyed in a desparate action by a crazed Internet based cult.

The miraculous sighting was hailed by the Pope as proof that Bill Gates is an emissary of God. Unmistakably interspersed in the numbers of an infamous Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when a Windows NT computer crashes, was the outline of the Virgin Mary. Some said she appeared to hold a baby in her arms. Others claimed it was a copy of Windows 98. In either case, it amazed onlookers who quickly spread the word around the world.

But even as people streamed in from all corners of the globe, the artifact was destroyed by a member of another religious sect. The secret society, which hails to the pagan god "Linus", infiltrated the flocking crowds and succeeded in defacing the blessed PC artifact.

Fathers Tom and Paul Knapp were some of first priests involved in controlling the hoards of people who flocked here to view the sight. Last week, Father Thomas was quoted as saying "We are so darn blessed to have seen this in our lifetimes. I've often wondered if God has been trying to speak to me somehow when my computer crashes. Now here I have incontrovertible proof. It's a miracle!"

Father Paul Knapp was the initial priests called in to verify the claim, and to bless the UPS that was hooked up to the computer. Power was one of the initial concerns when it came to dealing with the relic. If power was lost to the computer, the BSOD would disappear, taking the image of the Virgin with it. Father Paul, who appeared extremely shaken by the powerful event, had this to say: "It's important that a relic such as this one be preserved for all to see, but I must warn that sprinkling Holy Water on an UPS is not wise! Kids, don't try this at home."

But all the caution was to be for naught. The entire event was brought to a close yesterday when during a prayer vigil a youngster from the Linux cult rebooted the computer and installed a copy of Debian Linux. The sect, with over 10 million Internet members, is said to be locked in a holy war at the moment, and condemns all Microsoft software as evil.

"No one was looking at the time she did it," explained Father Tom. "Some of the people noticed her approach the keyboard, but everyone was kneeling and the incense burning was at a climax at the moment she inserted the evil CD-ROM. By the time we all looked up, there was a mocking penguin on the screen and the Virgin was gawn!"

Some of the followers first to notice the changed screen claimed that the small girl had installed software that possessed the PC with daemons. Others present remarked that the penguin looked evil, almost demonic. The child was quoted as saying "No, you guys must have Linux confused with FreeBSD". Although few people understood what this meant, several onlookers defended the small girls action's. Still others believed the small girl herself to be possessed of an evil entity, possibly Linus himself.

Whatever the case may be, the owner of the PC claims that he no longer even has hope of reproducing the relic, as the computer no longer produces BSODs. Father Paul Knapp pointed to this as further proof that the software is of demonic origins, and should be banned or boycotted by the church.

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