Their Trash, Our Chance To Make Billions

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, June 28, 1999

from the who-needs-alien-technology? dept.

It's time to let the cat out of the bag. This Humorix portal website is actually a cover. Humorix World Domination, Inc., is really a full-scale, top-secret research & development firm with subterranean labs teeming with hundreds of dweebs dressed in white labs coats attempting to unravel the mysteries of science -- and beat our archrival American Computer Company at their own game.

It all started in Roswell. Not Roswell, New Mexico, but Roswell, Georgia. Just outside the city limits is a sewage lagoon left over from an abandoned trailer park (the area was hit by a tornado). This is no ordinary sewage lagoon; indeed, there's a government conspiracy to hide its existence from the residents of Roswell: it now sits within a non-descript US government "storage facility".

This sewage lagoon, code-named ASL5 (Anomalous Sewage Lagoon Number 5), is a portal to the future... or rather, a portal from the future, since it's a one-way passage. In a similar vein to the "toilet vortex" Humorix reported on in January, ASL5 periodically spits out items from the future, evidently trash that has been thrown into the lagoon in the 25th century.

To make a long story short, some of this "trash" from the future represents scientific breakthroughs that might take four centuries to achieve. A tiny unknown bureaucracy in the US government has kept this fountain of cool stuff all to itself -- even the Echelon Project doesn't know about this (well, they will now). However, thanks to the power of our orbiting spy satellite (another thing Echelon doesn't know about) and the cunning utilization of RFC 1149, Humorix's R&D department was able to obtain an item-from-the-future about three months ago without the knowledge of the government conspirators.

After three months of intense research consisting of scientists scrathing their heads and asking, "What the hell is this thing?", we've finally been able to determine what our item-from-the-future really is, and most importantly, how to mass produce it and make lots of money from it.

Our chief scientist, Dr. Bubba Joe Conner, calls our mystery item a "trielectric megaconducting cerebral integrator with an Ethernet port". Folks familiar with the ramblings of Rob Malda on Slashdot might know it better as a "neural implant". The device enhances brain power and memory storage, and also comes with wireless Internet access. Our NIFF(tm) (Neural Implant From the Future, a tentative brand name) is small enough to be "installed" by poking it up the user's right nostril.

Just look at the specs on this baby:

  • The raw processing power on this device far outranks the power of a puny K7 (or "Athlon", or "Decathlon", or "IntelSucks", or whatever the marketing geniuses at AMD are calling it this week). Indeed, a Beowulf cluster containing 1,000 K7's would only have 0.25% the raw power of a single NIFF. Take that, American Computer Company!

  • Memory storage: how does 100 terabytes of storage sound? (Well, actually, a lot more is theoretically possible, but the filesystem allocation scheme of the average human brain is quite wasteful; even a defrag-like program wouldn't help much.) The technology that American Computer Company supposedly stole from those "green men" (military officers in the process of puking after a full night of drinking) at Roswell can only hold a mere 90 terabytes.

  • Ethernet: The NIFF contains an Ethernet jack so you can plug your brain directly into your computer or network. Or, more importantly, the NIFF can send and receive electromagnetic signals to cell towers and/or orbiting satellites, allowing easy Internet access from the comfort of your own brain. With NIFF, you can browse Slashdot while mentally blocking those irritating adfu.blockstackers.com advertisements.

  • Linux and the BSD variants have all been ported to NIFF, allowing Unix-like system administration of your thoughts and memories. While Unix's multiuser paradigm may encourage multiple-personality disorders, we certainly feel Unix is far better than Windows for mental functions. We won't belabor all of the funny jokes we could make about the Blue Screen of Death.

  • It eliminates those annoying headaches that are caused by eating ice cream too fast.

  • It features a built-in fusion power generator, which can provide emergency power for the brain during a heart attack or stroke.

We are in the process of refurbishing the fifth floor of Humorix World Headquarters into an assembly line to mass produce NIFFs. Sales will commence after the successful completion of our upcoming IPO in August (be on the lookout for NASDAQ ticker symbol FAKE). We expect the retail price to be around US$25,000, but we might offer discounts to frequent Humorix visitors (all three of you).

I would like to close by saying to the idiots over at American Computer Company: suckers! Alien tech is a waste of time; the really cool stuff comes from the future. As Nelson says on the Simpsons, "Ha ha!" You should have focused all of your attention on the other Roswell.

Oh, and one final thing: While the public release of our product might create an unresolvable temporal paradox that will implode the universe, it will be well worth it.

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