Dave Finton Usurps Humorix

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Saturday, July 3, 1999

from the one-small-step-for-world-domination! dept.

Dave "Surazal" Finton has temporarily usurped control of Humorix after a bizarre power outtage struck Humorix World Headquarters earlier today. The cause of the blackout is still under investigation, but we feel confident in saying that Microsoft is probably involved somehow. To fill the void until power and Net access can be restored, Dave has assumed control of the site, allowing him to publish anything he wants...

Linux Accidentally Beats NT in Mindcraft Benchmark Rerun

Marketing droids and sensation-happy reporters were shocked to learn that in the latest Mindcraft tests Linux accidentally beat NT on every benchmark. The cause, however, was not so surprising.

"We were wondering 'What the hell is going on!?'" said one Mindcraft employee. "We did a little investigating and found out that the so-called Linux experts replaced our enterprise-level machines with sub-standard Pentium Pros with only ONE network card!!! How could ANYONE use such a configuration for something as CPU intensive as serving web pages?"

Indeed, not only were the servers secretly replaced before the tests, but they were also loaded with "database" software, which reportedly allows businesses to put their data in something more manageable than ASCII text files. In addition to this, the webservers also served out what is known as "CGI", an obscure coding method that allows programmers and nonprogrammers alike to dynamicly change the content of web pages without having to resort to editing HTML by hand. When asked about these added features and their impact on web serving, the Mindcraft people looked at us blankly.

"I mean, come on! Enterprise-level webserving means hundreds of static HTML pages per second out of the best technology money can buy. And buy. And keep buying. I mean, who really uses CGI or databases for today's applications? Some Linux schmuck in his parent's basement? Big business demands big operating systems, and lots and lots of 4K text files."

Future Mindcraft projects include setting up a 20 NT server farm designed to act as a ping server, and developing a method for users to compose and send their email messages "quickly and easily", using only a 256-processor machine. "NT is designed to handle these important tasks on today's hardware. Heck, can Linux even display its desktop on 9 computer screens concurrently? How can anybody take that operating system seriosly when all-important features like these are lacking?"

"The next thing you know," said the Mindcraft expert, "They'll be talking about things like redundant data storage and web-driven applications. Puh-lease."

Dave Finton Thinks About Getting Around to That Yodix Article

Dave Finton, who reported on the Yodix OS in May, is reportedly "thinking" about getting around to compiling the 3 or 4 remaining submissions and emailing the damn thing out, "just to get it over with."

"I mean, it's not a matter of being too busy, or being away on some vacation. I just can't get up the ambition to just include it in an email to Humorix," said Dave. "I'm pretty sure I'll get around to it. Eventually."

Dave's laziness not only applies to the Yodix article, but other areas of his life as well. "You know, I got that homework assignment due tomorrow, and here I am, typing away at some humor article. I mean, the homework's not all that hard. I'm just putting it off. Because, well you know. I'm just lazy."

Other procrastinated projects include doing his laundry, his web page, and "asking that one girl out". Dave reportedly hasn't gotten laid in years. "I mean, I still got 3 t-shirts and 5 pairs of boxers left in the 'clean' pile. My clean clothes are in that pile because I haven't gotten around to folding them yet. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow."

While interviewing Dave for this article, many people passing by gave him very strange looks, probably because he was talking to himself and taking notes on the back of his hand.

Mozilla Plans for 1.0 Release; Space-Time Continuum Collapses

Devolopers today at Netscape were abuzz with the possibility of a 1.0 release of their browser, when all of the sudden the Universe collapsed into a massive singularity.

"I mean we were so close! 1.0 was around the corner, outside developers started to join the project, and Marc Andreesen vowed to quit eating pizza forever!" said one mozilla.org programmer. "But alas, it was too much for the Universe as we know it to handle. I mean, Marc without pizza is sorta like, you know, quarks without gluons. And the impending Mozilla release? I think that was the last straw."

Scientists, while perplexed, were unable to do much about the situation, since everyone (and all the matter in the universe) was squished into a lump the size of a pea.

Microsoft, still licking its wounds from the infinite number of monkeys incident, was quick to point out Mozilla's flaws. "See? We're not planning for the release of our flagship product for at least 2 or 3 more eons. The denizens of some impossible-to-imagine reality will thank us for our innovative spirit!"

Mozilla developers were optimistic, however. "We're going to release our product before the next Big Bang, so that we can seed the market for our next-generation browser. Once intelligent life evolves after a dozen or so billion years of Universal expansion, they'll be quick to use our readily available technology."

Slashdot Effect Vaporizes Ganymede

In one of the more bizarre consequences of the infamous "Slashdot Effect", Ganymede, the largest moon in our solar system, was completely and utterly destroyed when CmdrTaco posted an article about the Hubble Space Telescope's latest round of images and discoveries.

"It all started when we put up some more info on our web page about Jupiter and Ganymede," said one NASA guy whom we believe may be in charge of something. "CmdrTaco got wind of it, and posted it on his site."

According to observers, the webserver promptly exploded thereafter, damaging the nearby remote control system used to aim and focus the Hubble's cameras from the ground.

"All of the sudden our controls went wacky!" said one engineer. "The Hubble then started shooting these death rays all over the universe. One of those rays hit Ganymede, and *POOF*. There it went! We were all like, 'COOOOOL! Let's aim it something else!'"

In addition to Ganymede simply ceasing to exist, other celestial fatalities included a star belonging to a nearby alien culture. According to government officials, the response they got "didn't sound too friendly". "We got some kind of warning to leave the premises immediately, as this planet was declared uninhabitable," said President Hillary Clinton. "We tried to tell them that it was perfectly habitable, and we were happy where we were. All we got in response was this vaguely disquieting chuckle. Personally, I think there's nothing to worry about. This whole thing smells like bu-"

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