Humorix IPO Wildly Successful!

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, July 30, 1999

from the we're-in-the-money! dept.

NEW YORK, NY -- Wall Street has responded very well to Humorix's initial public stock offering. Our stock, FAUX, began trading at 10:12AM (Eastern) this morning on the NASDAQ exchange at $10 per share. By the end of the trading day the stock had surged to 55 9/16. Some bold Wall Street analysts are calling our stock offering "the most successful IPO of a humor website in the history of NASDAQ!"

For a brief time around 2:15PM the stock price was at an unbelievable 125 7/8. It prompty fell after Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said, "I don't know what the hell Humorix is, but its stock is showing disturbing signs of irrational exuberance." Ironically, most other tech stocks plummeted during the day, sending the NASDAQ down 5.12%. Some analysts are speculating that many investors dumped all of their tech stocks in order to purchase vast quantities of hot Humorix stock.

Needless to say, the Humorix staff is quite jubilant about the success of the IPO. Jon Splatz went and bought a new car, not realizing until later that he can't cash in his FAUX shares for six months. Other Humorix staffers are currently holding a huge party and will probably be plastered through next week.

Not everybody is happy about the IPO, however, especially those who didn't participate. Jason McDuff, one of the people who received our special invitation letter to purchase 200 shares of FAUX stock via E*Raid.com, has sent in a bomb threat.

He said in the threat, "The letter I received was nothing more than a bait-and-switch scam and spam. I opened an E*Raid account, wired $2,000 to it, and signed up for the IPO using the code number given in my 'special invitation'. I was refused! E*Raid said I had to have a net worth of $1 million to participate in a 'high-risk' IPO. Bullshit. It was all a scam to get me to open an account. Humorix should be called Scamorix. You people make me sick, and unless you give in to my demands, I'll blow up Humorix World Headquarters!"

The FBI is tracking down Jason McDuff, but they haven't had much luck so far. One FBI agent said, "If we could monitor non-military public computer networks we could find and arrest this would-be domestic terrorist. Write your Congressman! We need the ability to spy on network transmissions! Civilian use of encryption should be illegal!" When we told the investigator that the bomb threat was sent to us via snail mail, he responded, "So then we need to monitor first-class mail! Write your Congressman! The FBI should be able to open up mail at random so we can fight terrorism and crime and protect the children!"

We don't have much faith that law enforcement will catch the McDuff. If his threats continue we'll just send him the $15,000 he demands. $15K is, after all, a drop in the bucket compared to the vast fortune we've just acquired. Not that we're bragging or anything.

All of the capital raised in the IPO will be used to offer new services and features at the Humorix PORTAL website. Some of the new features we are launching include:

Humorix Contest '99

As a promotional gimmick we are holding a contest with such prizes as:

  • a lifetime @i-want-a-website.com email alias
  • a guided tour of Humorix World Headquarters
  • an original copy of three never-published Humorix articles.
  • a $19.95 credit at Humorix's new E-Commerce Shop.

To enter, send an email containing your name, email address, postal address, Social Security Number or equivalent, birthday, shoe size, bank account number, fast food preference, ISP password, and PGP private key. Winners will be picked at random from the entries that we receive.

HumorXChange

HumorXChange is an innovative system allowing people to produce humor material in exchange for cold, hard cash*. Humor patrons will offer bounties to humorists who create a desired piece of humor material (a fake news article poking fun at ESR, a "Microsoft Acquires..." joke, a Jon Katz parody, etc.). This "Open Humor" exchange system is similar to projects like CoSource and SourceXChange.

Watch next week for a press release containing more details about this exciting new program and information about signing up to beta-test the system.

* Note: When we say "cold, hard cash", we mean "credits to buy Humorix merchandise".

PortalMaker 1.0

The Humorix Software Development Labs has created PortalMaker(tm), a set of Perl scripts that can help you create your own Linux portal website in under 10 minutes. Armed with PortalMaker(tm) and Humorix's Linux Portal Mini-HOWTO, you can effortlessly establish your own portal and instantly become wealthy*.

The Regular Version is available for US$19.95 from Humorix's new E-commerce site. The Deluxe Version, which includes documentation, is available for the trivial cost of only US$39.95.

* Note: The PortalMaker End User License Agreement prohibits you from using the software to create a portal website that could potentially compete with Humorix in any way.

Humorix Community

We have plans to offer several free community enriching features at our portal website, including:

  • Free web-based email and URL redirection at your choice of domains: linuxzealot.org, linuxlonghair.org, linuxfreak.org, flamingzealot.org, bill-gates-is-satan.org, invest-in-FAUX.com, portal-portal-portal.com, tanstaafl.org, or i-hate-winmodems.org.

  • Free instant messenger software and service via Humorix's new proprietary InstaHumorix(tm) protocol.

  • Free access to our NNTP server which features such newsgroups as slashdot.addiction.twelve.steps, bob-metcalfe.sucks.ether, humorix.rocks, humorix.stock.investment.tips, kde-vs-gnome.flame.flame.flame, and penguin.mating.habits.

  • Free "Flame Your Congressman" feature allowing you to speak out against the latest bonehead bill that's been discussed on Slashdot.

  • Free online auctions where you can buy or sell domain names, low-numbered Slashdot accounts, overpriced shrinkwrapped Red Hat products, "Honk If You Hate Microsoft" bumper stickers, and other merchandise.

Keep your eyes peeled for more Humorix PORTAL features that will be announced in the coming weeks. And don't forget to invest in our stock!

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