Instant Messenger War

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Monday, August 9, 1999

from the attack-of-the-angry-marketers dept.

SILICON VALLEY -- War broke out yesterday between Microsoft and AOL as the dispute over instant messaging protocols turned violent. What was once America's most economically prosperous region became ground zero in a war that reporters have already dubbed "The War Between the Monopolies". The streets of the embattled region are covered with broken computer monitors, scorched AOL and Windows 98 CD's, and propaganda leaflets air-dropped by the two warring software companies.

The Microsoft leaflets proudly proclaim, "This war between AOL and ourselves will have no bearing whatsoever on how we do business. Our software is the best in the world, and we will crush the armies of Steve Case and demoralize their citizenry! We shall prevail!" Simarly, AOL's leaflets responded "Buy our online internet access for only $21.95 a month and you can win the chance to carry Bill Gates' head on a pole through Microsoft Headquarters when we annihilate their mindless troops into oblivion!" Scattered throughout the leaflets were advertisements saying "FREE XXX PORN HOT SEX PEANUT BUTTER FARM ANIMALS ONLY $80 DOLLARS A WEEK!" and "GET RICH QUICK BY PURCHACING OUR GUIDE TO FAME AND FORTUNE! GET OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD AND ORDER TODAY!"

[Editor's Note: Several Humorix staffers have placed bets on whether the above paragraph will prompt the Australian Censorship Police to ban Humorix. The winner(s) will receive a set of old 386SX computers that James Baughn found in a dumpster last week.]

Friend fought against friend, brother fought against brother, and computer geeks slapped each other limp-wristedly screaming "Ow! Stop it! That hurts! Ow! I'm telling!"

President Hillary Clinton released a press statement that said, "In order to mediate the dispute between the world's most powerful internet providers, we've called in the UN to help resolve the difference." A UN guy who said he was a general's secratary or something replied, "I ain't touching that with a 10-foot pole! I've been in Sarejavo. I've been in Beirut. But you are not getting me to go to that hell on earth! The property taxes alone are horrendous!"

Without any UN intervention, the war looks as though it will only get worse. Casulties have already reached the 100 Terabyte range, and are likely to go into the petabytes as reporters and computer jockeys everywhere scramble desperately to look up the definition of the word "petabyte".

Microsoft, in a boastful move that has backfired on them, dared the internet community to successfully attack an army of marketing drones standing wide open in the middle of an empty field. The Microserfs were donned with the latest in high-tech armor running the latest Beta of Windows 2000. However, no one got the chance to even rally up their troops, as the suits of armor crashed and promptly exploded, taking out the state of Wyoming with them. Other than the marketing drones, no casulties were reported. Microsoft officials attributed the crash to a lightning storm, although observers noted that there was blue sky as far as the eye could see that day. Alert TV viewers, however, noted that the man reporting on the weather that day did happen to be a Mindcraft employee. Microsoft stated that this fact was simply a "coincidence".

As the Instant Messenger War progresses, we expect that things will get truly hairy, as thousands of AOL and Internet Explorer coffee cup coasters are distributed worldwide to gain sympathy and mindshare among the population at large. Who knows how far this battle will go?

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