Barry Acquires All Red Hat Shares
Fake News written by on Wednesday, August 11, 1999
Barry from Arizona received a rather pleasant surprise yesterday morning: a special invitation email from Red Hat. Due to an ISP mixup caused by a Windows NT server error, Barry received an email destined for a long-time kernel hacker. Barry, not knowing any better, put some money into E*Trade and applied for the IPO online. Since Barry was the only person who applied for Red Hat's upcoming IPO stock and passed the eligibility requirements, he acquired the right to purchase all of Red Hat's stock.
"I just lied about my income and stuff," said Barry. "I've been in the popcorn industry for 3 weeks working in a movie theatre, so I thought 'kernel hacker' meant something like 'theatre cashier'. I got all of it, I suppose, for about $2000.
Bob Young, CEO of Red Hat, wryly commented, "This is going to suck."
Barry already has plans for his upcoming role as Cinema Overlord. "As Overlord and as controller of Red Hat Future Planning, I will ensure that all movie theatres shall run The Mighty Linux and that the popcorn comes with real butter, not that syrupy crap that tastes like liquid garlic!" proclaimed the victorious Barry. Barry wore a golden crown and surrounded himself with incense, large fluffy pillows, and slaves indentured for seven generations to provide their services.
One Red Hat programmer commented, "This Barry guy came by and told us that we'd better start selling these overpriced candy bars up to quota this month or we'd have to get used to life as a Eunich! One of our guys kept eating them all, though. Now he just spends his time there standing like a statue waving a large feather fan in Barry's general direction at all times. Man, I've never seen that guy so buff! And that singing voice!"
Rasterman was last seen heading for the airport muttering "I'm going back. The dingos down in Austrailia aren't half as nutty as these crazy Yanks." Paul Hogan was unavailable for comment.
RHAT opened at 3/10 of a cent during the IPO and closed at 5/10 of a cent. Barry ran around yelling, "I got $1500 dollars! Woohoo!" Bob Young and Mark Ewing shook their heads in wonderment and awe, weeping tears of joy at their new leader's vision.
In related news, Microsoft released a press statement today suggesting that Windows 2000 will come with a "large" bag of popcorn with every license for only $399.99 a seat. Couples or friends sharing the same bag of popcorn will need to pay for two or more licenses according to the license agreement. Movie theatres must also pay for a Microsoft Popcorn license for every seat in the movies theatre, regardless if whether anyone is actually sitting there or not.
"This is the type of conversion that I've been predicting for years", said Jesse Berst. "I've always said that the movie theatre popcorn industry would go head-to-head with the Linux industry. It's a natural match!"