Microsoft Windows for Linux Released

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on Wednesday, August 11, 1999

from the hell-is-freezing-over dept.

REDMOND, WA -- Following months of speculation and paranoia in the Linux community, Microsoft has confirmed everyone's fears by announcing the imminent release of Microsoft Windows 98 for Linux (MSW4L). The new product is not a Windows emulator for Linux; instead, it features a set of kernel patches and userspace programs that make Linux more like Windows. Or, as one Microsoft representative said, "more user-friendly".

The kernel patches mostly modify the Oops (kernel panic) code. With MSW4L, kernel errors will be displayed in a white-on-blue character cell screen. One kernel patch randomly adds the line strcpy(NULL, "Microsoft wins!"); throughout the kernel, causing random bluescreens.

The userspace programs replace commonly used utilities. For example, here's a screenshot of the MSW4L rm command (also called DEL and ERASE):

[root@testbox root]# rm testfile~

Microsoft rm v4.10.2222a for Linux
(c) 1999-2000 Microsoft Corp., Redmond, WA
This program is part of Microsoft Windows for Linux. This program is released under the Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License).
No part of this program may be copied or disassembled. Violators will be hung.

This will delete the file testfile~.
Warning: The filename testfile~ has more than 8 characters. Do you want to convert it to a reasonable format [suggested: testfi~1] before performing this operation? [Yn] n

Do you want to delete the file %s? [yN] y

Are you sure you want to do this? [yN] y

Deleting a file can lead to loss of information. This program is for experienced users and system administrators only. Are you sure you want to proceed? [yN] y

To prove you are a system administrator, please enter the number of your MSCE certificate. [] 123-1234567
Certificate approved.

Microsoft can not be held responsible for the effects of deleting a file. Using this command voids your warranty.
Proceed? [yN] y

Error: File testfile~ not found.
[root@testbox root]#

Microsoft Windows 98 for Linux can be purchased at your favorite computer store for only $499.99. A "Plus!" version with printed documentation and the Microsoft Solitaire for Linux game is available for $599.99.

If you experience any problems with MSW4L, you can call Microsoft at 1-900-BIL-RULZ for only $50.00 per minute (registered users of more than 3 Microsoft products call 1-900-LNX-SUXX for only $49.99 per minute; make sure you have all registration numbers handy. Checking them usually takes 30 minutes) to listen to a tape saying "Have you tried doing it again? Have you tried rebooting? Have you tried turning the computer off and on? It must be a problem in your basic Linux system then, it works here. Complain to those guys who don't understand capitalism."

DISCLAIMER: Microsoft, Windows, the Blue Screen of Death, Bugs, Malfunctions, Missing Features and Bad Support are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corp. "for" is a trademark of Microsoft Corp. Linux will be a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. as soon as the government accepts the bribes.

Rate this story

No votes cast