How Did You Spend Your Red Hat Windfall?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, August 19, 1999

from the i-wish-they-would-invest-in-humorix dept.

RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- Some analysts are predicting a major economic boom spurred in part by the massive amount of wealth generated by the Red Hat IPO. "Linux hackers who were lucky enough to participate in the IPO are now spending money like crazy," wrote one Business Week columnist. "This is a Good Thing(tm)."

Unfortunately, we here at Humorix did not receive "The Letter", so we don't have any first-hand knowledge of this nerd spending phenomenon. We did, however, manage to contact several lucky IPOers who cashed in on Red Hat and are now living on Easy Street. Here's what they had to say:

Kernel Hacker: I made about US$4,000. I figured with this amount I could afford to buy a shrinkwrapped copy of Red Hat 6.0. When I called to place an order. The operator said, "Wait a minute. You're on the list of people who received The Letter. You didn't flip the IPO, did you?" I hesitated and said "yes", to which she rebuked, "It's because of avaricious people like you that Red Hat's stock has been falling this week. Bad hacker, no biscuit" and then hung up.

Dothead: I'm holding on to my stock, actually. Receiving the Special Invitation and owning a piece of Red Hat is a nice bragging right that I hope will impress women. I've signed up for a Geek Dating Service; maybe I'll get lucky...

Rob "Taco Boy" Malda: I plan to use my share to buy a UPS for the Slashdot webserver. Next time the power goes out I won't have to fend off 10,000 angry emails from Slashdot addicts suffering withdrawl symptoms. Oh, and I might have enough left over to buy Hemos a dictionary.

Bob Young: I don't know how I'm going to spend my newly acquired fortune. I may buy a plot of land in Silicon Valley and establish a Geek Homeless Shelter for those geeks with meager six-digit incomes who can't afford housing or rent. Oh, and I might hire a hitman to throw pies at Bill Gates. That last sentence is strictly off the record, right?

Linus Torvalds: The pittance I made from Red Hat will pale in comparison to the vast fortune created when Transmeta achieves World Domination next year. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to talk about that...

Mark Ewing: Can you say "Beowulf Cluster?"

Linux User Group President: They'll be free beer for everyone at the next LUG meeting! (Oh, we'll also have free speech, too.)

Linux Hacker: I just bought a new car. For the first time in my life I own a vehicle that's worth more than my computer.

Tux Penguin: With all the money I've made I can buy a lifetime supply of herring.

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