Is Linux Good For Your Health?
Fake News written by on Sunday, August 22, 1999
Another month, another round of conflicting medical studies published. Research firms and medical schools are frantically grasping at straws, trying to show that the grant money they received this year is going to good use. In this month's issue of the Pedantic Medical Studies Gazette, two studies about the health impacts of Linux on its users were published.
The first study, conducted by the Chicago Sub-Basement Medical School, suggests that Linux users are less healthy than other OS users. The study demonstrates a connection between prolonged Linux use and a higher rate of stress and illness. However, the research firm of Studies 'R Us Labs, Inc. of Chattafoocheeble, Georgia disputes the Chicago study. "I'd rather have a ton of manuer than a copy of that study," said one Studies 'R Us lab assistant. "At least maneur has some value."
Bob McDermott, the author of the Chicago study, said at a press conference, "Linux causes stress. Its lack of support, low number of applications, lack of a consistent GUI, and difficult install procedure makes it much more stressful to use. As proven in our study of 9 Linux users over a three week span, this stress causes a general decline in life expectancy. I strongly suggest that Linux fall under strict government regulations. It's just that bad, folks."
Studies 'R Us Labs immediately held their own press conference to dispute McDermott's study. Eric Jones, chief Studies 'R Us researcher, told the press, "That Chicago study has no basis in scientific fact whatsoever. We suspect their 'study' is a hoax designed to gain funding. We would also like to point out, for the record, that the 'prestigious' Chicago Sub-Basement Medical School is the same organization that has claimed that asbestos, lead, and radon are not harmful in any way. They are obviously lackeys for large corporations such as Allied Asbestos Associates, Inc. and Microsoft."
Eric Jones then presented both reporters in attendance at the press conference (myself and a cub reporter for the "Hoosier County Standard-Democrat- Picayune-Journal-Gazette") a copy of Studies 'R Us Labs' own study about the health benefits of Linux. In this study, 815 Linux, Windows, and Macintosh users were observed for a period of two years. While the results are a bit sketchy, they seem to indicate that the stress level for the Windows users was far higher than that for the other two groups. Eric Jones commented, "Windows, with its frequent crashes, Registry corruptions, inconsistent interface, and need for periodic re-installing, has a negative impact on the health of its users. I strongly suggest that Windows fall under strict government regulations. It's just that bad, folks."