Linux Advocate Of The Year
Fake News written by on Wednesday, August 25, 1999
Linn Icks of Des Moines, Iowa is the recipient of the First Annual Humorix "Linux Advocate Of The Year" Award. Mr. Icks was given a throphy (purchased for $1 at a yard sale) and a $10 gift certificate for El Cheapo*Bytes at a small ceremony held yesterday at Humorix World Headquarters. The date, August 24th, was the anniversary of the dreaded day when Windows 95 was officially released, which seems appropriate for a Linux advocacy award.
This prestigious award is given to the one Linux advocate who has gone above and beyond the call of duty as an outspoken Linux zealot and crusader in the Holy War Against Windows. Our panel of judges selected Mr. Icks out the pool of candidate based on his many qualifications and achievements, which include:
- His birth name was Albert Hicks, which he had legally changed in 1997 to show his devotion to the Linux operating system.
- He has been banned from all Barnes & Noble meatspace bookstores after he was caught placing a hidden camera in the Computer section. "I wanted to hide a video camera that would give me a 24 hour live feed of the Operating Systems shelfs," he explained. "With the live feed I hoped to maintain an accurate record of how many Linux/Unix books were fondled and purchased in comparison to Windows 9x/NT books."
"Unfortunately," he continued, "Murphy's Law was against me. I hid the camera inside the book 'Microsoft Bob SuperBible', a tome I figured nobody would ever touch. Apparently I was wrong, because somebody spotted the spy camera and within days investigators had traced it back to me using fingerprints they had found. I, and my children, and their children for five generations, are now banned for life."
- He petitioned Des Moines to rename a street to "Linus Torvalds Ave." Unfortunately, City Hall thought he was referring to a copyrighted Peanuts character and so the street was named "Charles Schultz Drive".
- He has posted 1,204 articles to comp.os.linux.advocacy and other flame-war-enriched newsgroups. He once wrote a 159KB posting in reponse to a troll, which has led many other Linux longhairs to agree that he "needs to get a life".
- He built an addition to his house to hold the 1,500 Tux Penguin stuffed toys he owns. Instead of wallpaper, his walls are lined with printouts of the Linux 2.0.36 kernel. Over his fireplace is a large photo of him standing next to Linus Torvalds at a Linux expo, an encounter that nearly caused him to faint.
- He cracked into the computer network at a neighborhood bank and re-programmed the marquee to flash the latest Slashdot headlines instead of the time and temperature.
- He tried to hold a "Box Burning" rally in the style of old-fashioned book burnings. Boxes, disks, and manuals for proprietary software -- the "materials of blasphemy" as Mr. Icks called them -- was supposed to be torched in a huge bonfire. However, the event was canceled due to lack of interest (nobody showed up).
- He holds Slashdot user account Number 2 (we assume that Taco Boy holds the Numero Uno account).
- An estimated four trees have been cut down to provide the paper and envolopes he has used to write letters to his elected representatives demanding that Iowa migrate its computers to Linux. He has sent so many letters that the slang term "Icks Hick" has been coined by the US Postal Service in Iowa to describe any wacko that sends a bunch of mail to the same address.
- After much arm-twisting he finally convinced the local telco monopoly to give him the 1-877-42-LINUX phone number. He owns a billboard on Interstate 80 that says simply, "Got Linux?" along with his phone number.
- He's successfully advocated Linux to at least two telemarketers. When he receives an unsolicited phone call, he replies, "No, I'm not interested. But while you're on the line, could I interest you in a computer operating system that's available for FREE? It's called Linux and it's far better than the crappy product you're trying to sell. Visit the linux.com website for full details about this revolutionary, multi-tasking, multi-user, buzzword-compliant, Open Source, paradigm-enhanced operating system!"