*Patents Pending

Fake News written by Noah Morals on Tuesday, September 14, 1999

from the i-used-to-work-at-unisys dept.

I love the US Patent & Trademark Office. Their policy of accepting all applications for software patents ensures that lawyers like me have an endless supply of customers. It's quite simple:

Software patents + American legal system = Financial independence for lawyers

So, I was quite ecstatic when James Baughn asked me about the possibility of securing some patents for Humorix. "No problem!" I said. Two weeks later, and all of the paperwork along with the um, necessary, ah... fees (bribes) has been sent to the USPTO.

Some of the patents that Humorix now has a claim on include:

  • The distribution of hypertext-based syndicated humor and fake news content across a world-wide medium.

  • The act of writing self-referential, fictional humor material in lieu of real fake news.

  • The act of employing self-referential, meta-humor about self-referential humor.

  • The act of composing meta-meta-humor material containing infinite levels of recursion and self-referentialism.

  • The creation of a software application that simulates the content of a world-wide online resource by employing a pseudo-random number generator.

  • The establishment of a world-wide online resource (a.k.a. "portal") containing advertisements, hype, and marketing gimmicks scattered among minimal anchor content stolen or syndicated from other outlets.

  • The publication of fictional patent claims under the byline of a fictional lawyer personae.

  • The construction of a three dimensional object formed by bending a flexible material in such a way that all points are of equal radial distance from a center point. (some of you may want to call this a "wheel", however, in our patent claim, this is a TEP, "threespace equidistance paradigm".)

  • The art of broadcasting huge volumes of unsolicited commercial messages via an electronic mail medium to destinations world wide. (We here at Humorix don't actually employ this, but this patent could be a useful mallet for banging evil spammers on the head with. Instead of sending out 'You're a winner!' scams, spammers who violate this patent (all of them) will be receiving 'You're a defendant!' meatspace letters.)

  • The invention of recursive, infinitely expandable acronyms (i.e. PATENT Aquisition Through ExteNsive Thievery). Richard M. Stallman may have created the first recursive acronym, but we're the first to patent it.

If these patent applications are accepted (and they will be since I have several connections in the USPTO), Humorix may also apply to register trademarks like "Humorix", "Vast Spy Network", "Linux Humor", "Portal", "World Domination", "Humorix World Headquarters", "Dothead", and "Neural Implant From the Future". When it comes to intellectual property, you can never snatch acquire enough.

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