Update: We'll See You In Court

Fake News written by Noah Morals on Monday, September 20, 1999

from the lawyers-are-people-too dept.

Today is a good day. Humorix has received a bark letter from Microsoft threatening to file a lawsuit over our recent patent claims. I'm hoping this will lead to a long, drawn-out lawsuit involving motions, counter-motions, counter-counter-motions, and, best of all, a ton of legal fees for me and my law firm. I may be the butt of every lawyer joke ever told, but the huge amount of money I rake in makes it all worth it.

I've attached a copy of the bark letter from Microsoft:


Dear Mr. Morals, et al:

We have just reviewed your recently acquired software patents. Some of these appear to infringe on previously acquired Microsoft patents. In light of this, we may be forced to file a lawsuit unless Humorix immediately withdraws the offending patents and purchases 1 million copies of Windows 2000 to reimburse our attorney fees.

In particular, the following Humorix patent is a blatant violation of Microsoft intellectual property:

  • The distribution of hypertext-based syndicated humor and fake news content across a world-wide medium.

Microsoft has announced the release of Windows 2000 for 1999, and publically proclaimed Windows NT 4.0 and Windows 98 to be relatively bugfree and stable on hypertext-based systems across world-wide media. Our claims are obviously both humor and fake news. You are obviously trying to steal our ideas.

In addition, the following Humorix patent is void because Microsoft has held prior art in this field since 1995. We're referring to the Microsoft Network:

  • The establishment of a world-wide online resource (a.k.a. "portal") containing advertisements, hype, and marketing gimmicks scattered among minimal anchor content stolen or syndicated from other outlets.

Finally, Microsoft has held the following patent for the past decade, one that Humorix is clearly in violation of:

  • The concept of requesting and receiving patents for ideas that are so ridiculously obvious that no sane person would ever consider the possibility of patenting them.

Thank you for your attention.

Signed,

C. A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department

Pat N. Twar, Esq.
Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division, Microsoft Legal Department

P. A. Pertrail
Microsoft Lawyer #523

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