Let's Crack That Box

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, September 22, 1999

from the but-are-they-recyclable? dept.

HOUSTON, TX -- Much has been said about the "Crack This Box!" publicity stunts held by Microsoft, LinuxPPC, and now PC Week. However, we have just learned that another box-cracking competition was held last Friday in conjunction with a Linux 8th birthday celebration in Texas.

VA Linux supplied the Linux boxes, while Gateway provided the Windows NT boxes. Both boxes featured triple-corrugated deluxe cardboard construction, however the Windows NT boxes did not perform as well as the Linux boxes during the competition.

In the first event, called "Windows Drag-N-Drop", two boxes were dragged to the tenth floor of an apartment building and then dropped out of the window. After hitting the concrete, the boxes were inspected by a team of judges for external cracks, deformities, and other performance issues. The VA Linux box was the clear winner.

The outcome of the second event was much different. Two boxes were each surrounded by a brick wall (what one judge called a "firewall"), with two teams competing against each other to remotely damage the boxes. The anti-Linux team was able to breach a hole in the wall and toss in a carton of fireworks, which promptly incinerated the VA Linux box. The Gateway/Windows NT box was unscathed.

Said one Linux box-cracker, "This test proves that Linux boxes are far less secure that Windows NT". This remark led to a flame war, with a group of irate Linux zealots screaming, "All this test proves is that the person who built the firewall is an idiot!" One participant later added, "If the test had continued much longer, the Windows NT box probably would have spontaneously combusted in the sun anyways."

The third and final event, however, was quite conclusive: VA Linux boxes are stronger. Two boxes were each turned upside down and then weights were added one by one until the boxes collapsed under the demand. The Linux box was able to handle twice the load that the Windows box could.

"This competition shows that Linux boxes are more secure, reliable, and robust. The next time I need to send a package, I'll make sure I use a box from VA Linux."

Not all were happy with the competition. "This is absurd! To come to the conclusion that Linux boxes are superior based on some silly tests conducted by drunk Linux advocates is beyond belief," one judge said (he hasn't been invited to the 9th birthday celebration next year).

One inebriated participant slurred, "This box-cracking competition was almost as much fun as the mouse-slinging event at Linux Kongress '99!"

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