Update: The Legal Battle Continues
Fake News written by on Thursday, September 23, 1999
I can't believe the good fortune I keep getting. Humorix is now firmly embroiled in a lengthy legal battle with Microsoft, which will net me a fortune in legal fees. I'll be able to buy my own tropical island within a year if this continues. It's good to be a lawyer.
Regular Humorix readers (both of you) know that Humorix and Microsoft have been exchanging legal notices for the past week. In response to our last article, the Microsoft legal department sent us this letter:
Dear Mr. Morals, et al,
We have noticed you published a copy of our friendly note (referred to as "bark letter" by you) on your web server.
Since this note contains important strategies to be used in our upcoming lawsuits as well as some internal Microsoft marketing strategies (such as the mission charter for MSN), we demand that you remove it immediately.
Also we would like you to know that any further communication between us will automatically fall under the Microsoft GPL (Grossly Private License), meaning:
- By opening the envelope, you agree to these terms. If you do not agree to the terms, return the letter unopened to your local post office stating you disagree with the license, and you may or may not get the postage back.
- You may read the letter only on one desk, and make at maximum one copy for safety purposes only. If you need another copy, want to read it on another desk, or want to give a copy to someone else, you need to buy another license from the Microsoft licensing department at a nominal fee of US$899.99.
- There is a 90 hours readability warranty. If you cannot read the mail after 90 hours [starting from writing, not receiving], it is your fault.
- If you find a typing mistake, or spelling or grammar errors, there is no need whatsoever to report them. Using Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.0 with ActiveX enabled, visit letterupgrade.microsoft.com to download a patch for the letter.
- You agree not to disassemble (i.e. rip up) or in any other way reverse engineer (i.e. use ink killers to separate ink from paper) the letter.
Thank you for your attention.
C. A. Pitalist
Chairman, Microsoft Legal Department
Pat N. Twar, Esq.
Deputy Under-Secretary, Patent Protection Division, Microsoft Legal Dept.
427 of 1437
Microsoft Lawyer #427
In response to this, I, Mr. Noah Morals representing Humorix, have sent the following counter-letter:
Dear Mr. Pitalist, et al:
Your previous letter indicates that you have not read the terms of the Humorix ClosedHumor Public License. This is not our problem.
The terms of the License are as follows:
- By opening Port 80 of the Humorix website, you agree to these terms. If you do not agree to the terms, return the electrons you have received and immediately close your browser.
- We reserve the right to publish any and all correspondence we receive, even if said correspondence contains valuable trade secrets. [Again, that's not our problem - N. O. M.]
- You (the "Supplicant") agree to refrain from filing any legal action against Humorix World Domination, Inc. until the End of Time or until Linux achieves Total World Domination, whichever comes first.
- You agree to purchase at least ten (10) shares of Humorix stock (Nasdaq: FAUX) within one (1) week and to hold said shares for at least one (1) year.
- We are not responsible in any way if you encounter any problems (i.e. Blue Screen of Death) as the result of viewing the Humorix website with any Microsoft product (including, but not limited to, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 98 Second Edition, Windows NT 3.51, Windows 4.0, Windows 2000 beta, Windows CE, Internet Explorer, or Bob). Moreover, we are not responsible if you suffer any eye strain or damage as the result of reading this fine print.
We regret to inform you that, by the terms of this license, the complaints mentioned in your previous correspondence are null and void. As stated before, that's not our problem.
Mr. Noah Morals,
Official Humorix Lawyer
Mr. F. L. Amer, Jr.,
Intern for the Lowe & Morals Law Firm
P.S. Humorix shares are still available. Contact the newly hired Humorix Investor Relations Liason, Mr. G. E. Trich, for details.