Bill Gates Passes Turing Test

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, October 15, 1999

from the but-he-failed-the-urine-test dept.

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Earlier today Microsoft proclaimed that they have passed the Turing Test by creating a Bill Gates multimedia simulacrum that crack BBC interviewer Jeremy Paxman couldn't distinguish from the real thing. "In hindsight, some of his responses were a bit suspicious," Paxman said about the Gates AI program. "I never would have expected this... After all, this Microsoft program actually worked for an extended period of time, something you don't see very often," he added.

The Bill Gates simulation consisted of a holographic projection controlled via wireless link by a bank of Windows 2000 boxes located at Microsoft's UK headquarters. These computers, code-named "ActiveBill 2000", contain more processing power than all of the computers in South America combined.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a portion of the interview transcript that will not be shown on TV.

Paxman: I've heard that Microsoft is pushing to reduce the funding for the US Department of Justice. Is this true?

Gates: Yes, the DOJ is an anachronism that's standing in the way of my world domination plans. I must say, buying a Congressman is the best long-term investment a person can make.

Paxman: What? You admit that you've "bought" a Congressman?

Gates: I cannot answer that question.

Paxman: Why can you justify cutting the budget of one government agency when millions of tax dollars are wasted purchasing Microsoft software when free software would work just as well?

Gates: Bad command or file name.

Paxman: What?

Gates: Oops... I meant to say: millions of tax dollars are NOT wasted. What's good for Microsoft is good for the country.

Paxman: What do you think the outcome of the anti-trust trial will be?

Gates: I'm going to win... An illegal operation has...

[From what we can gather, the Bill simulacrum must have crashed at this point. Bill's projection and audio ceased for 5.2 seconds before the system could be brought back online by shifting to a backup.]


[Gates' hologram reappears]

Gates: Oops... sorry about that. My finger must have slipped and activated my invisibility field array. I can make myself disappear at the touch of a button. It's great being rich and running your own R&D lab.

Paxman: [gasping for air] Whoaaa.... man, that.... was.... whoa. Gimme... a minute... to get back... to my... senses. I've never... seen anything like that... before. I thought you had disappeared into thin air!

Gates: Quite a few Linux zealots would like for me to just go away. My doctors tell me that with modern technology that only I can afford, I should live to at least 130. So there.

[rest of interview not cut by Microsoft censors]

The real Bill Gates hails the ActiveBill simulator as the most innovative technology of the decade. "With this technology, my image and words can be replicated throughout the world. Think of the possibilities. Who says Microsoft isn't innovative? The DOJ, of course, but they won't be a threat after their, ahem, budget cuts," the real Bill Gates said.

Microsoft has plans to mass-produce the ActiveBill 2000 simulator by 2010 or so. "The hardware just isn't there yet for home use," a Microserf explained. "By then, though, Intel's Itanium 6 Super Pro Plus III CPU running at 600 Ghz or whatever should be sufficient." Windows 2010 is expected to include the Bill Gates simulation, making the World's Richest Man(tm) accessible to the entire world.

A newly printed brochure for the faux-Gates advertises, "Need help running Windows 2010? Bill Gates will sit beside you and guide you through the system. Have a question for the world's sexiest and smartest nerd? He'll answer it. Wondering if free and open source software is a plot by Communists freaks to overthrow the free market system? He'll be there to explain. Want to ask for a personal loan? Sorry, won't happen."

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