Microsoft Acquires Transmeta

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on Saturday, October 23, 1999

from the another-day-another-acquisition dept.

REDMOND, WA -- In a bombshell event for the Linux community, Microsoft just announced the acquisition of mystery company Transmeta. According to our sources, the intent of the buyout has nothing to do with Linus Torvalds. Apparently Microsoft was after the Transmeta webmaster, who has been promoted to Release Manager for Windows 2000.

The former webmaster's first duty is to distribute Windows 2000 boxes to store shelves worldwide. These boxes will contain nothing but packing materials and a note saying "This product is not here yet." People who actually purchase these boxes can return the notice to Microsoft after January 12, 2002 for a real copy of Windows 2000 (assuming it's finished by then).

Microsoft spokesman Marc E. Ting boasted in a press conference held today, "Windows 2000 is the best Microsoft product ever made." To demonstrate its superiority to so-called "stable" operating systems such as Linux or FreeBSD, he offered a $10,000 bounty to any person who finds a bug in the package, or who can make it crash (without using physical force). He added, "No other OS vendor has done this. Microsoft is the first... this is yet another example of Microsoft Innovation."

The Gartner Group immediately issued an advisory predicting that Windows will eliminate the need for Linux in a matter of mere days.

Amidst all of the hype, several questions still remain about the future of Transmeta. According to our Vast Spy Network(tm), the company was working on a so-called "Athlon Killer Killer Killer" chip that would far surpass AMD's "Athlon Killer Killer" and Intel's "Athlon Killer". Unconfirmed rumors say that this product will be scrapped in favor of a CPU with Windows 98 hard-coded into the processor's initialization routines.

More importantly, nobody has answered the question "What about Linus?" We suspect he and his family will flee from Silicon Valley before Microsoft tries to "assimilate" him, but right now we don't know.

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