What About Bill?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Tuesday, November 9, 1999

from the quoting-people-out-of-context dept.

In the wake of Judge Jackson's harsh Findings Of Fact against Microsoft, everybody has an opinion -- and isn't afraid to share it. We here at Humorix picked out a group of people at "random" and asked them to share their thoughts about the ruling.

BeOS Advocate: Yeeeesss! My stock broker called me a fool for investing my life savings in Be Inc., but now who's laughing? Thanks to Jackson's ruling, and the small hope that a Microsoft competitor might actually survive for longer than a week, Be's stock has skyrocketed. I've made enough to buy that Tempest device I've had my eye on.

Linus Torvalds: All of this will be rendered mute when Transmeta announces its new product in December. The industry will undergo a paradigm shift and Microsoft will soon become the next Digital Research. Hmmm... maybe I shouldn't talk about that now. Forget everything I just said... This comment is not here yet.

Joe Schmoe On The Street: I can't believe the Big Evil Government is tormenting the most innovative people in the software industry! I'm talking about Linux... I mean, c'mon, Judge Jackon's statement that Linux is a "fringe operating system" is just plain wrong. The Government should have no right to persecute Linux and Open Source like this...

Bill Gates: Will you people stop bothering me? I'm Bill Gates from Winchester, Tennessee, not Redmond! Sheesh. The Gummit shouldn't be investigating companies like Microsoft, it needs to investigate idiot reporters like you who bug people like me for no good reason! Oh, and what's this crap I keep hearing about Lennox? They make the worst heating and air conditioning systems around. If Microsoft's so-called "anti-competitive" practices are preventing Lennox from gaining marketshare, then I say, good!

Slashdot User: This is excellent news! I haven't thought about remedies yet... well, you know, I can think of one thing the court should do: require that Microsoft remove the Dancing Paper Clip and associated crap from Office... Oh, and while they're at it, get rid of those multi-megabyte easter eggs. Why does Excel need a flight simulator? So I can see the Blue Screen of Death in 3D? Oh, and another thing, the court needs to put a hex on ActiveX...

P.S. I hate it when Ziff-Davis or MSNBC quotes my Slashdot comments, snips... portions... of them and then takes them out of context! If another portal site quotes me without attribution, they're going to find themselves at the wrong end of a Denial Of Service attack!

Fred Moody: [squinting, as if trying to read a press release on a distant computer screen] The government must not infringe on Microsoft's freedom to innovate. This trial is a travesty of justice. Microsoft has succeeded because the company has been guided by the most basic American values: innovation, integrity... and um [muttering]... I can't read that line... screwing customers? serfing customers? Oh, [louder] serving customers. Windows NT is cool. The only people that don't use (and enjoy) Microsoft solutions are longhaired get-back-to-Earth hippie spiritualists bent on world domination.

Resident Slashdot Conspiracy Nut: Don't you see? This whole trial is a conspiracy concocted by Bill Gates. He knows that he stands to make even more billions if Microsoft is broken up into Baby Bills... just like Rockefeller did with Standard Oil, and stockholders did with Ma Bell. Bill Gates actually wants the DOJ to win. That's why he's been so arrogant in court; he wants Judge Jackson to throw the book at him! It will be a very lucrative book. The faked Windows video? His amnesia during the video deposition? It's all a ruse to fool Microsoft stockholders... and us.

Wall Street Journal Columnist: I can't believe this is happening. Clearly Judge Jackson has been subverted -- dare I say bribed? -- by Microsoft's enemies who don't want to compete fairly. Red Hat, Apple, Be, Sun, AOL... it's all a planned corruption of the American legal system. I'll be watching Jackson to see if he retires to the Bahamas after the trial is over...

Economics Professor: The Findings Of Fact is full of errors, generalizations, and subjective conclusions. The Appeals Court is going to eat Jackson alive. I mean, for one thing, Microsoft certainly has a larger market share for PC operating systems than the paltry 95% figure that's cited. I can't even think of any competing software... my students keep talking about something called LIE-nix, but I think that's just some obscure inside joke about the Peanuts character rather than an actual product.

Linux Longhair: If Microsoft is a monopoly, then that means Linux doesn't stand a chance. But if Microsoft is not a monopoly, then the court won't act, so Linux still won't stand a chance. This sucks.

Richard M. Stallman: This Judge Jackson just doesn't "get it". How many times do I have to tell people it's "GNU/Linux"?!? And Jackson referred to "Open Source", not "Free Software". What a joke.

Jon Splatz: I hate this. On the one hand I hate Microsoft, but on the other hand I absolutely loath lawyers. If the DOJ is successful and the lawyers strike another victory, then we're just one step closer to the Lawyerclysm. But if Microsoft wins, then we have to worry about the Billclysm, a future in which Microsoft sells every single product in the world. This sucks. Who am I supposed to root for? Oh, and will I ever get my Windows refund?

Anonymous Coward: Don't get too ecstatic, we all know what's going to happen next. This so-called trial is rigged, just like wrestling and boxing. Microsoft is the Don King of the software industry... they control who wins. I've been told that if you call Microsoft's legal department hotline, you get a recorded messages that says, "For the verdicts of past Microsoft court cases, press 1. For the verdicts of future Microsoft court cases, press 2..."

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