Judge Jackson Reverses Himself
Fake News written by on Wednesday, November 10, 1999
WASHINGTON, D. C. -- In an unprecedented and unexpected development, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson reversed himself today regarding his finding of fact in the Microsoft antitrust case. Accompanied by representatives from the Microsoft Corporation, the judge announced at an impromptu press conference that he had been "premature" in his judgment of the Redmond software behemoth.
"It's obvious," said the judge, "that Microsoft does not have monopoly power. Consumers have many choices. A quick perusal of the classified ads in your local paper will show that there are thousands of Commodore 64 and Apple ][c computers for sale. Garage sales are a literal treasure trove when it comes to buying competing operating systems."
The judge also revealed that his personal envy of Bill Gates unduly influenced his decision. "Yeah, I admit that I'm jealous of the brilliant Mr. Gates. I mean, he makes more money in one hour than I made in my entire three year career as a lawyer. And I did a [expletive deleted] of a lot of double billing," the judge was quoted as saying.
Despite the impromptu nature of the press conference -- Judge Jackson had no prepared notes -- the proceedings went very smoothly except for a minor incident during the question and answer session. While answering a question regarding his comments that "Microsoft's products are popular because we've -- I mean they've -- focused on their customers and innovated to meet their needs," the judge hesitated slightly. A reporter from another news service said he heard Judge Jackson mumble something about an "illegal operation" and his face went blank. Other reporters say it appeared that his eyes took on a blue tint and he was about to fall over when a Microsoft technician put out a hand to steady the judge. There was a slight whirring sound and then the judge seemed to be back to his normal self.
The judge also took the time to clarify his views on Linux. He said that now was a good time to expose some of the myths about the rogue operating system. "Did you know," he told the packed house, "that the Linux swap file is limited to 128 Megabytes?" He noted the superiority of Windows NT's "fine-grained kernel locks." The judge also revealed possible sinister under tones to the Linux OS. "I was shocked and appalled to find that a search for `more evil than Satan' turned up Linus Torvalds' home page as the first hit on the msn.google.com search engine."
Wall Street reacted favorably to the news as shares of Microsoft stock (Nasdaq: HAHA) were up 7 5/8 in heavy trading. Representatives from both the DOJ and Microsoft's new Robotics & Artificial Intelligence Department were unavailable for comment at press time.