Jargon Coiner 2.0

Feature written by James Baughn on Monday, December 20, 1999

from the lexicon-laziness-strikes-humorix dept.

Jargon Coiner is an irregular Humorix feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. If any of this jargon is actually adopted in the Real World, rest assured that we will waste no time in bragging about it. Of course, if it isn't adopted, then we will quietly delete this article from the archives and nobody will be the wiser.

sjs@sjswebhack.com sent in these Microsoft-inspired phrases:

  • Patch-22
    An endless cycle of releasing patches to fix bugs, that cause more bugs, that require more patches.

  • The Hair of the Dogfood that Bit Me
    When you force your employees to use the same shabby products you sell to others.

  • You Windows Some, You Lose Some
    Grouping disparate products under a common title, like "Windows Powered," in the hope that customers won't know which base technology to blame for poor performance.

  • BIMBY (Buried in My Backyard)
    A truely stupid piece of software, like Bob, that you never want anyone to see again.

  • Act Like a Little Billby
    When you order the dumping a popular product, like Visual J++, because you don't want to answer to someone else's contractual rules.

  • Stuck in Net-tral
    Waiting for an Internet company to do something innovative, so you can buy it.

  • Just Off the Bloat
    The release of another gigabyte-sized product, like Office.

  • A Pain in the Net
    The supreme effort involved in keeping a Web site running with a system like Windows NT.

  • Op'd a Feel
    The process of grabbing the best features from another operating system and trying to cram them into yours.

  • Buggy Wuggy
    A form of dance wherein you skip around saying the word "bug," instead you always say "issue."

  • That's Where I Draw the Linux
    Refusing to cooperate with the open source movement because you might lose your overpriced tech support income.

And the rest of these come from various members of our Vast Spy Network(tm):

  • HOBTOB (Hanging Out By The O'Reilly Books)
    Seeking free Linux technical support at a bookstore by waiting near the computer books for a geek to come by and then casually asking them for help.

    Example: Eric The Linux Zealot walked over to the Operating Systems shelf and was accosted by a hobtobber who said slyly, "Hey, I see you're looking at a Linux book... Do you happen to know anything about Linux? You see, I've been having this problem setting up PPP..."

  • MOOLA (Marketing Officially Organizes Linux Adoptance)
    A press release issued by a Dot Com (or Dot Con?) heralding their "support" for Linux (i.e. "BigPortal.com adopts Linux as their official operating system by adding five Linux-related links to their BigDirectory"); used to inflate their stock price and rake in moola even though none of their employees have ever used Linux and don't really care.

  • Segfault Effect
    The recent wave of "Naked and Petrified", "Grits", and "MEEPT" junk comments posted to Slashdot by insecure teenagers who came from Segfault after the low-budget humor site disabled comment posting.

  • Karma Kollector
    Slashdot user who treats the acquisition of "karma" as a game; often has a detailed strategy on how to sucker moderators into raising the score of their posts (i.e. posting a comment with a title like "Microsoft Sucks!!! (Score 3, Insightful)" or using "Only a fool would moderate this down" as a signature). Also known as "Karma Whore" in some circles.

  • IPO (I've Patented the Obvious)
    Acquiring patents on trivial things and then hitting other companies over the head with them.

    Example: "Amazon just IPO'd one-click spam and is now threatening to sue B&N."

  • IPO (I'm Pissed Off)
    Exclamation given by a Linux user who was unable to participate in a highly lucrative Linux IPO due to lack of capital or E*Trade problems. Also uttered by Linux hackers who did not receive The Letter from Red Hat or VA Linux even though their friends did.

  • YAKBA (Yet Another Killer Backhoe Attack)
    The acronym that describes network outtages caused by a careless backhoe operator.

    Examples: "Don't blame us, our website was offline after we suffered a YAKBA". "Don't worry about Y2K, what we need to think about is YAKBA-compliance."

  • Ninety-Niners
    In 1849, a horde of people ("Forty-niners") headed to California to pan gold and get rich quick. In 1999, a horde of people ("Ninety-niners") headed to California to invest in Linux companies and get rich quick. Some things never change.

  • Zoo
    The ubiquitous shelf of O'Reilly Animal Books that many nerds keep next to their computer

  • They're Multiplying Like Portals
    The proliferation of Linux portals that have the latest headlines from Slashdot and LinuxToday but offer little original content.

  • You Can't Spell EVIL Without vi
    A curse uttered by freshman Computer Science students struggling with vi's insert mode for the first time.

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