What Did Santa Claus Bring You?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Tuesday, December 28, 1999

from the bah-humbug dept.

Right now is that bizarre intra-holiday week between Christmas and New Year's Day when nobody wants to do anything but eat, sleep, and play with their gifts. We here at Humorix were desperate for some comedy filler material to round out the year, but at the same time we didn't to do anything that would require extensive mental effort. So, we decided to interview several people and ask them what they received from Santa Claus (or their local equivalent).

Linus Torvalds: Santa didn't bring me anything, but Tim O'Reilly just gave me a large sum of money to publish my new book, "Linus Torvalds' Official Guide To Receiving Fame, Fortune, and Hot Babes By Producing Your Own Unix-Like Operating System In Only 10 Years". Of course, once Transmeta has its IPO next year, I'll be so wealthy that I won't need to care about Christmas presents ever again.

Bill Gates: Will you people quit bothering me? I'm Bill Gates of Winchester, Tennessee! Next Christmas I'm going to get a restraining order against Humorix reporters. I should get a legal name change to, maybe something like Mr. Humorix Sucks.

Linux Hacker: I kept hinting to my friends and family that I wanted to build my own Beowulf Cluster. My grandmother got mixed up and gave me a copy of "Beowulf's Chocolate Cluster Cookbook". I like chocolate, but I would've preferred silicon.

Jon Splatz: No, Santa Fraud didn't bring me anything. You know, Santa Claus and the whole Christmas holiday represent exactly what's wrong with this country. It's yet another manifestion of the evil that lawyers and marketers have spread throughout American culture.

Think about it... We have millions of parents lying to their children about Santa Claus. They use the Santa myth to get their children to behave, effectively bribing them with the gifts. Such behavior scars children at an early age, preparing them for a career in the legal field. it's a simple fact: the children of immoral parents will subconsciously yearn to become immoral lawyers when they grow up. We are raising a generation of liars, lawyers, and marketers all because of some stupid myth designed to sell more overpriced made-in-China-with-slave-labor toys.

And don't get me started about the commercialization of the holidays! This is supposed to be the "Season of giving". Giving to whom? Large multinational corporations, of course. Christmas, as practiced today, is all about sharing your money with greedy Capitalistic fatcat materialists in exchange for crappy merchandise nobody really wants. It's a wonderful life... but only if you're a CEO.

Oh, and one other thing... [rest of Splatz diatribe snipped for brevity]

Anonymous Coward: all i wanted for xmas was a T1 line so i can post "FIRST POST ABOUT NAKED AND PETRIFIED GRITS MEEPT!!!" comments on /. at ten times the rate i do now... it didnt happen.

Linux Convert: I kept hinting for a SGI box, but instead my wife got me an old Packard Bell. Unfortunately, she bought it at CompUSSR, which doesn't take returns, so I'm stuck with it. I haven't been able to get Linux to boot on it, so this machine will probably become a $750 paperweight.

Slashdot Resident Language Pedant: I just bought a clue stick so I can hit Rob Malda over the head every time he makes a dumb spelling or grammatical error on Slashdot. You'd think somebody as wealthy and popular as Taco Boy would be able to use "its" and "it's" properly. Oh, and I'm going to knock senseless everybody that claims New Year's Day is the start of "the new millenium". One, millennium is spelled with two N's, and second, the millennium begins in 2001. This wouldn't be a problem if everybody counted from zero like computer scientists do.

Linux Zealot: My parents bought me a nice dual-Celeron box, which was exactly what I wanted, but they also agreed to sign up with MSN for three years in exchange for a $400 credit. It's like selling your soul to Satan in exchange for a new penny. Now I'm stuck using Windows anytime I want to access the Internet... er, Microsoft Internet.

Jesse Berst: I got a coupon redeemable for the full copy of Windows 2000 when it comes out in February. Win2K is the most innovative, enterprise-ready, stable, feature-enriched, easy-to-use operating system on the market. I don't see how Linux can survive against Microsoft's far superior offering. I ask you: could you get fired for NOT choosing Windows 2000? You bet.

Linux Freak: Pigs are ice skating in hell right now... I just got a beta version of Windows 2000, and IT'S NOT THAT BAD! I know, I know, wash my mouth out with lye soap for I have just spoken the unspeakable. Yes, I still prefer Linux, and yes, only dot com millionaires will be able to pay for all of the Windows licenses necessary to run any kind of non-trivial network. But still, Win2K is pretty impressive, considering it's coming from Redmond.

Linux Longhair: My friends sent me a two-year subscription to several Ziff-Davis publications, much to my dislike. I don't want to read Jesse Berst's rants against Linux, or John Dvorak's spiels about how great Windows 2000 is. Still, I suppose this isn't so bad. Ziff-Davis glossy paper makes an excellent lining for fireplaces.

Joe Schmoe: I suppose Santa Claus has something against me, because I got a lump of coal for Christmas. I'm not complaining, though, because 500 tons of low-sulphur Wyoming coal is quite valuable. Plus, if Y2K brings about TEOTWAWKI, then I'll have plenty of fuel to start my own power plant and begin the first tentative steps toward global domination.

Webmaster of LinuxSuperMegaPortal.com: One of my in-laws gifted me a CD-ROM containing the text of every "...For Dummies" book ever published. It's a shame IDG never published "Hiring A Hitman To Knock Off Your Inlaws... For Dummies", because that's something I'm itching to do. At any rate, I'm using the CD as a beer coaster.

Bero Not-So-Anonymous Coward: Throughout the year, I've been told 417 times, by 394 different people, to get a life -- so I hoped someone would give me a life for Christmas. But once again, it didn't happen... not even a response to my usual counterquestion ("where can I download that? Will it run on Linux?"). I didn't even get that Humorixia Citizenship kit I wanted. Well, guess that's enough ranting about Santa not bringing what I expected. Time to mention my good plans for the next year:
I will stop working on Linux 24 hours a day.
I will stop working on Linux 24 hours a day.
I will stop wor...
Darn, the mailer just crashed, might be a problem in glibc...
[root@localhost /root]# vi /usr/src/CVS/glibc/sys/linux/i386.h

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