Welcome to 19100!

Fake News written by James Baughn CCXXIX on Saturday, January 1, 2000

from the party-likes-it's-19099 dept.

We here at Humorix would like to be the first to welcome you into the 192nd Century. Contrary to public opinion, the universe did not end, the United Planets of Humorixia didn't collapse, and Benevolent Dictator Linus Torvalds CCIX didn't suffer a nano-breakdown. Remember, Linux kernel 152.2.12 and the Z Quad-Dimensional Windowing System Z52R4.1 are both fully 4096-bit capable and can correctly handle dates for the next googleplex.

Below we've compiled several first-of-the-century quickies from around the Uni-Net.

Where's My Asbestos Suit?

We received several flame nano-mails yesterday about our statement that January 1st (or Raymondia 1st, for both regular readers in the Libertarian III solar system) is the first days of the 192nd Century. Apparently everybody is forgetting about Vice Benevolent Dictator Jon Splatz IV, who in 2199 decreed that the 22nd Century would only contain 99 years. So there.

Transmeta Officially Announces First Product

Transmeta (known for their slogan, "This Slogan Is Not Here Yet(tm)"), long a running-gag on Humorix for their delays in releasing their Crusoe processor, finally announced Crusoe 1.0 yesterday at a press conference on the Transmeta homeworld. The device, however, is not a revolutionary breakthrough, but instead a replica of the vintage Intel Pentium IV chip (of which only two original ones are known to exist).

Said Transmeta President Paul Allen CIX, "Antique computer parts are a hot item right now. The BeanieFurbyPokemon Crazy of 19098 has been replaced with a feeding frenzy on vintage electronics by collectors throughout the Humorixia Meritocracy. Transmeta hopes to meet this demand with a authentic working replica of Intel's infamous Pentium IV chip for only 0.95 megadollars. Be the first on your planet to own this piece of history!"

Transmeta stock rose 503% on the NeoNasdaq Stock Exchange with record volume.

My Galactic Kingdom For A Domain!

The Twentieth Borg War took a humorous twist last week when Microsoft failed to pay its diennial registration fees with Uni-Net Solutions for the top-level microsoft.galaxy domain. Several trillion Microserfs were without Uni-Net access until Humorixia Citizen Eric B. Stallman donated 35 megadollars to pick up the tab.

The domain mixup caused quite a bit of confusion in the Microsoft High Command, allowing the UPH to easily capture strategic planets in New Gatesia III, Redmond II, and Windows IIC. The new offensive gains open up the possibility for a classic pincher-attack, much like was used in the historic victory of Humorixia against Microsoft Nation back on Earth in the Zeroth Borg War (1999-2000).

Historians Locate Priceless slashdot.org.classic Archive

The Chief Archiver for the Humorixia Museum in New Splatzangrad stumbled onto a priceless relic: an old hard drive from the 20th Century containing a browser cache filled with old websites like the original Slashdot and LinuxToday. "I found the drive at a yard sale on Bero I," the Archiver told Humorix. "The owner, a senile 500-year-old man, didn't realize what he had."

The contents of the hard drive (a Seagate 6.4 gigabyte model) have been uploaded to the Museum's netsite. In addition to the historic browser cache, the drive also contains a copy of the Linux 2.2.0 kernel (the only known copy in the Universe). Historians are hailing this find as the best one since 18523, when Bob Werner XXXI found a vintage Red Hat Linux 5.2 CD-ROM while digging through an abandoned landfill on Old Earth.

Another Boring Day Of Politics

Nothing much took place on the Grand Message Board this week except for a debate about the Bigbrother III solar system. The totalitarian governemnt of Bigbrother recently imposed new restrictions on encryption software and Uni-Net browsers, in addition to strengthening their already draconian censorship laws. Obviously, such blatant violations of human rights cannot be tolerated by the Humorixia Meritocracy, but nobody knows what to do about it.

One person said on the Grand Message Board, "Maybe we should distribute a nano-virus that causes Bigbrother government computers to get bloated, slow to a crawl, and become unstable." An Anonymous Coward replied, "What? Microsoft has already tried that. Besides, distributing viruses conflicts with the Humorixia General Social License 10.2."

More discussion (and hopefully voting) will take place next week after everybody's hangover from New Year's Day wears off.

Pundit Finally Acknowledges Linux

Fred Berst, a descendant of 20th Century pundits Jesse Berst and Fred Moody, finally admitted that Microsoft Windows is not the best operating system in the Universe. Meanwhile, reports indicate that genetically engineered pigs are flying over singing fat ladies in a snow-covered Hell (third planet of Satan IV system).

In his weekly column on Ziff-Davis MegaPortal, Fred Berst said, "Okay, I admit it. Linux doesn't suck as much as I, and all of my ancestors, have let on. An operating system that has formed the backbone of a Meritocracy spanning 75% of the explored universe can't be that bad."

Jesse Berst, known throughout history as the "Can you get fired for choosing Linux?" idiot, and Fred Moody, a clueless Microsoft groupie, are both rolling in their graves.

New Linux Development Kernel Version 152.3.512 Announced

Linus Torvalds CCIX sent word out to the linux-kernel list that a new development kernel was ready for hacking. "Forget your New Year's Day parties and start hacking on the latest, greatest Linux version since 152.3.511. Remember, this kernel is still a part of the venerable It Works For Me(tm) tree and should only be touched by hard-core Linux longhairs."

New features in 152.3.512 include enhanced drivers for the VA Linux Time Travel Machine 2.0 and a 4.2% increase in fuel efficiency for Linux-based hyperspace engines. The full source is 194 terabytes and should be available at the usual tachyonFTP sites by the time you read this.

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