Dave Finton, Disappointed by Y2K Non-Event, Attempts to Conquer Wisconsin Anyways
Fake News written by on Monday, January 3, 2000
Dave Finton, intrepid Humorix writer (at least when he's not lazy, which is never) became enraged when he discovered that the Y2K crisis, as it was called back in 1856, failed to collapse civilization as we know it. "I invested 20 dollars in bread, ammunition, and a movie theater ticket to go see 'Galaxy Quest', and look!" cried Dave as he brandished the plastic Darth Maul style light sabre he won after eating 4,670 Taco Bell burritos in a promotional contest. "The lights are still on and L.A. hasn't burned to the ground! What a crock!!"
Dave, ever possessed with the entreprenuerial spirit, decided that his goal of becoming the undisputed despot of northern Wisconsin should not be hampered by a major disaster such as the continuation of society as we know it. He set out to the Great Cheese State to set into motion his plans of global (or at least a small portion thereof) conquest.
John, a person who refers to himself as a friend of Dave's whenever Dave has money, commented "Yeah, I bummed him a ride. Cripes I wish he'd get a car! He even tried to get out of paying for gas, the cheap bastard!"
Dave went door to door, informing the general population that he was now in fact their new leader and demanded that they pay tribute to him. One resident who went by the name "Hey You! Get Off My Lawn!" said to reporters "I just looked at the guy funny and told him that he was in Ontario, not Wisconsin." "Hey You!" then punctuated his point with an emphatic "Eh".
"That's what he gets for trying to pay for the ride with old burrito wrappers with pictures of George Washington scrawled on them," said John in response to this. "Geez, I would have at least drawn Benjamin Franklin on them. Some undisputed despot he is!" Shares of Taco Bell were down 2 points on Wall Street and up 1-1/2 points in Bob's Stock Emporium after news of this hit the wires.
Reactions in the world-wide community were mixed. Comments ranged from "What the hell?" to "What the hell?" with every kind of opinion in between. Alan Greenspan commented, "What the hell?", causing the Dow to drop 51 points within 3 minutes. However, we at Humorix discovered that Greenspan's comment was actually referring to LinuxOne's IPO plans.
"Welp, back to Square One," said Dave. "I guess I'll have to wait until the Y10K problem comes around before I try this again. And now I'll have to figure out what to do with this third arm growing out of my forehead... I guess eating all those burritos wasn't such a good idea after all."