Is Linux A Finnish Conspiracy?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, January 8, 2000

from the the-finnish-are-coming-the-finnish-are-coming! dept.

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CORRUPTION -- According to a report recently issued by the NSA (No Such Agency), Finland is now considered a national economic and security risk. "We don't trust the Finns... software written by these people could potentially contain backdoors that could undermine domestic security," the report states. In response to the news, US Senator Fatcatte (R-WA) has proposed a bill, the It's For The Children Act of 2000, that would ban all software written by native-born Finns.

"It's time we take the Finnish threat seriously," Fatcatte said at a press conference. "Not only is Finn software a threat to domestic tranquility, but it could radically alter the computer industry, costing us thousands of jobs... and, more importantly, billions in tax revenue. We must prevent the Finns from subverting our economy with so-called 'open-source software'." He then asked, "Is anybody thinking of the children of programmers who will become unemployed when Finnish software overruns the country?"

The bill bears a striking resemblance to China's rumored efforts to protect domestic software ("Red Flag Linux") by banning Windows 2000. Combine this with the fact that Sen. Fatcatte from Washington State has received numerous campaign contributions from a certain Redmond-based corporation, and it doesn't take long to draw up a conclusion. "Microsoft conspiracy nuts are going to have a field day with this one," commented Lobb E. Isst, Humorix's Government Affairs Liason.

Microsoft and Sen. Fatcatte deny that the proposed legislation is targeted at Linux or Open Source software. "This is to protect the children and the American Dream, nothing more," a Fatcatte spokesman said. Nevertheless, most people aren't buying that argument. "I can't believe I'm hearing this," yelled one Linux zealot. "Microserfs are the real threat to our national security and economy. The US government needs to ban Windows 2000..." He added wryly, "It's the only way to protect the children."

Linus Torvalds, Red Hat, and VA Linux were all unavailable for comment at press time. Futures prices on Red Hat and VA Linux stock were both down 50% in after-hours trading.

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