Alan Cox Releases Quantum Kernel

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Sunday, January 9, 2000

from the has-anybody-fed-schroedinger's-cat-lately? dept.

A surprising development in the linux-kernel mailing list surfaced when Alan Cox announced the release of a 2.2 Linux kernel existing both as an official stable kernel and as a prepatch kernel. This immediately spurred the creation of two different realities (and hence two different Alan Coxes), where a kernel would not settle down to one or the other state until someone looked at it. However, since the kernel is an abstract organization of electrons existing only in hardware, no one has been able to observe the kernel, resulting in a lot of confusion and spilled beer on Linus's lap.

"I think this resulted from the large number of 'final' prepatch kernels prior to the 2.2.14 release," said David Miller, kernel networking guru and gas station attendent (he'll settle down to one or the other state when someone looks at him, which may be impossible to do since no one has seen him emerge from his basement since the War of 1812). "The Universe, thinking that the whole thing was starting to get a bit silly, decided to throw its hands up in the air and give up on figuring out when we'll get a new stable kernel."

Stephen Hawking, noted scientist, became disturbed to discover that he existed both as a brilliant physicist and as a fictional character on The Simpsons. He was working on manipulating subatomic particles in 11-dimensional space using a spatula and three pints of beer when reality as we know it split in two, causing him to yell "Doh!" in surprise. "I'm currently working on the problem by telepathically reading the kernel source from the FTP site... wait a minute, what is this error? I didn't ask for a mirror!" After several minutes, Hawking's speech synthesizer was heard muttering "sched.c... int fork... what is this? A 'goto'? Shame, shame..."

Nitrozac, talented creater of the After Y2K comic strip, became enraged to discover this development. "What? Dave Finton stole my idea about alternate universes just so he could write a cheesy humor article? That does it! I'm sending the Techno-Talking Babes(tm) over to his place to kick some ass!" Dave Finton responded by issuing a press release on the Humorix website containing only the word "WOOHOO!!!"

When word of this development spread to Microsoft, Bill Gates was extremely delighted. The Redmond, WA campus has been plagued with quantum fluctuations ever since the inception of Windows 2000 back in 1992. "Our release date has been existing in infinitely many states since the very beginning," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "This just shows the Linux operating system cannot scale to multiple realities as well as our flagship operating system."

Alan Greenspan commented to reporters "Everything that has transpired here has done so according to my design," and cackled evilly. The Dow Jones Industrial hit an all-time high of 30,000.

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