Linux World Domination: Not A Joke!

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, January 14, 2000

from the a-fight-to-the-finnish dept.

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CONSPIRACIES -- In an unprecedented move, the NSA (No Such Agency) has retracted its report describing Finland as a national security risk, going so far as to officially adopt Linux internally. Senator Fattecat (R-WA), who has been pushing for a ban on Finnish-produced software, said at a press conference today, "I don't trust the Finns or the NSA. It's obvious that the Finnish underground is now rooted within the highest Echelons of power in the NSA..."

One of Fattecat's staff members, Ms. Dee Septive, has published a 200-page report revealing "the Helsinkian Underground". According to this report, the Finnish world domination plot was hatched in 1843. Soon thereafter Switzerland, Sweden, Norway, and Denmark (holder of Greenland) secretly agreed to participate in the scheme, code-named "Cheese Danish". The southern tip of Greenland, Helsinki (Finland), and Berne (Switzerland) form the vertices of a triangle whose exact center falls on the British Isles... Is it any wonder that England no longer holds a world empire?

The Fattecat expose also describes Finland's recent scheme involving free software. "Linux, originally called Freix (FREIX Retrieves Electronic Intelligence X), is a scheme to infiltrate the Western world with a 'free' operating system with nasty backdoors hidden within its obfuscated source code. IRC (Intelligence Relaying Code) is another Finnish innovation designed for spying purposes."

Linus Torvalds plays a prominent role in the conspiracy. "That old story about Linus developing a Unix clone in his spare time while at University is a lark," the report states. "Torvalds is just a front for the hundreds of programmers in the Helsinkian Underground that have contributed to Linux. Indeed, the name Linux ("Line X") was coined because the kernel can extract any arbitrary line of intelligence from any document it has access to."

Transmeta's employment of Linus Torvalds also fits into the cover-up. In addition to being a front for illegal Finnback smuggling, Transmeta is busy working on a next-generation spy chip, code-named "Crusoe" ("Cryptic RUse to Spy On Everthing"), a vague reference to the plot to strand all world leaders on a Pacific island after the Helsinkian Underground's world domination plans come to fruition. Whatever Transmeta officially announces next week, it won't be the truth.

The report concludes, "We must take the Finnish threat seriously. Attempts to construct a New World Order cannot be tolerated -- unless the United States is the one doing it... The Scandinavian Scandal can be effectively dealt with by banning foreign-made software and sticking with good old American innovations like Microsoft Windows 2000..." A footnote at the bottom written in Flyspeck 3 says, "The fact that Senator Fattecat has received sizable campaign contributions from Microsoft is strictly a coincidence."

The conspiracy theory is backed up by US Representative I. B. Fersaille, also of Washington State. "It's obvious that the NSA has been subverted by the scheming Finnbacks. Suspicious banking activity in the past week by several high-ranking NSA henchmen leads me to believe that they've been bribed into choosing Linux over Windows. By coercing the NSA into adopting Linux, the Helsinkian Underground will have full access to all NSA databases via Linux backdoors. American-made Microsoft Windows -- which utilizes the vastly superior Security Through Obscurity paradigm -- does not suffer from these problems."

Senator Phil E. Buster (D-MN) disputes the conspiracy theory. "This is a load of [expletive]... Fattecat is a Microsoft shill elected only because Bill Gates personally bought one million votes for him (which at the going rate of $152 per vote was mere pocket change for Gates).

Just as this story was going to press, Fattecat rebutted, "Senator Buster represents Minnesota, a state with a large Scandinavian population. It's obvious that he's a part of the Finnish conspiracy. Don't listen to a word he says."

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