That Could Have Been Me!

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, February 3, 2000

from the my-kingdom-for-a-time-machine! dept.

Thousands of Linux zealots are kicking themselves in response to the VA Linux/Andover.Net MegaPortal merger. "I had this brilliant idea for a Linux portal website back in 1997," said "Bob16", a poor college student. "But I decided to drink beer instead of working on 'Bob16's Linux Homepage'. I could've been a billionaire like Taco Boy!"

Bob16 isn't alone. "I was going to create this cool free software repository called Freshbeef.org," said another IPO-less Linux zealot with 20/20 hindsight. "But I had second thoughts about the idea. Why would anyone visit my site when they could just browse the Linux Software Map?"

One hacker has founded a small Support Group for other people that missed the portal bandwagon -- and the accompanying riches. "Not everybody can be Rob Malda," Mr. Eric Poor, the founder of the People Without Portals Support Group, admitted. "Still, if we had played our cards right, we could've been raking in the stock options now. Besides, unlike Rob Malda, I can actually write a full article without making a dumb spelling or grammatical error."

Mr. Poor then added, not realizing who he was talking to, "One thing is sure, though, I'm glad that I never bothered to found a Linux humor site. That market segment is going nowhere fast!"

Actually, Linux humor is looking more and more lucrative. Humorix's Investor Relations Liason (Mr. G. E. Trich) calculated, on the back of a napkin while eating lunch today, that the total net worth of the Humorix website is US$3,380,000!

"I'm not making that number up," he said. "You see, Andover.Net is being acquired for US$813 million. Now, Andover.Net handles 2.4 million unique visitors per month. That comes out to around $338 per visitor. In January, Humorix received about 10,000 unique visitors. So, $338 multiplied by 10,000 yields $3.38 million!"

He then added a disclaimer, "Nobody would acquire Humorix unless we claimed a dot com domain name. Unfortunately, humorix.com is already taken by some Swedish guy that actually has the first name of 'Humorix'. I discussed the matter with our lawyer Noah Morals; he doesn't think we can snatch the domain from him without spending millions on legal fees. All of the other good domains -- LowBudgetLinuxPortal.com, LinuxMoneyMakingPortal.net, LinuxFakeNewsAndPropaganda.com, LawyersAreEvil.com, and NonStopBillGatesJokes.com -- have already been snatched by domain squatters trying to resell them unsuccessfully on eBay for $1 million a pop."

Any megaportals wishing to acquire this hot Linux PORTAL property may send their offers to give-us-money@i-want-a-website.com. Other corporations unable to afford our asking price may still be interested in our Advertising Rate Schedule; we'll refrain from poking fun at your company if you give us enough money.

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