Quickies Straight From Dave's Twisted Mind

Fake News written by Dave Finton on Thursday, February 24, 2000

from the this-is-not-meta-humor dept.

Dave Finton has sent in another round of Quickies. Since both of our regular readers (hi Bob and Eric!) actually like Dave's columns, we decided to run it even though we still have lingering doubts about his sanity.
   -- The Editor

Dave Declares War on Meta-Humor

David Finton, intrepid Humorix reporter, has declared war on the scourge of the internet known as meta-humor, whereby a joke will make fun of itself within itself. "These meta-jokes are going too far, and will cause some serious imbalances in the space-time continuum," said Dave to reporters at a press conference. "All too often, humorists will refer to themselves in the third person or even pretend they're being interviewed at imaginary press conferences just for convenience's sake. These so-called meta-humorists often work out of their basements smoking entire packs of cigarettes at a time while putting off critical tasks that need to be done, like laundry!

"These meta-humorists can be sneaky, too. Often times they'll try to get a good chuckle through self-depracating humor. Watch out for these people; they are a menace to society!"

James Baughn, creator of the Humorix website, has pushed Congress into passing the It's For The Children and Dave Quit Stealing My Jokes Act. This bill, if enacted into law, might be the only thing to get Dave to finally shut up.

"Make no bones about it," said Dave. "The first thing I will do is publish an article on Humorix on this matter. No meta-humorist will be safe from the clutches of my Giant Death Ray(tm).

[Just for your information, it is official Humorix policy to never employ silly editor's notes as a cheap attept at meta-meta-humor. -- The Editor]

Microsoft releases MS BackPedal 3.1

In conjunction with the release of Windows 2000 and the the nearing conclusion to the Justice Department Antitrust trial, Microsoft has responded to the growing market need for back-pedaling by releasing Microsoft BackPedal®, a software package designed to detract statements made by overworked CEO's and overzealous marketing droids.

"We released this product to address the growing needs of our biggest customer, namely ourselves," said Steve Ballmer. "When Bill Gates made those, um, silly comments about open-sourcing our flagship product, well we had to embrace and extend the concept of trying to rewrite history."

So far the BackPedal product has shown amazing success. Already Microsoft has rewritten many of its own misstatements. "640K ought to be enough for anybody" has already been converted to "You might be able to run Solitaire on 640 Megabytes of RAM with Windows NT on a good day". Also, "This court trial will have no impact on how we do business" has been rewritten as "We've split our operations up into 5 completely autonomous units, just in case".

The software is not without its bugs, however. An automatic e-mail form sent to bug-submitters for the Windows 2000 beta program that was supposed to read "Thank you for testing our beta product. While we are certain our product may contain a few flaws, we hope that your experience with our software has improved your life" instead read "This piece of crap already has 65,000 known bugs and you want to tell us about another one? We might look at your bug submission, but by the time we do your descendents may already have evolved into more advanced life forms such as bacteria, loser! Go use a real operating system; see what we care!"

"Whoops," replied Ballmer when notified of this. "Looks like an upgrade is already in the works. Cha-ching!"

EFNet Reaches 7th Straight Year of Nonfunctionality

IRC users across the world celebrated the 7th anniversity of the last known time EFNet, a network of Internet Relay Chat servers across the internet, was actually operational. The nonfunctionality of EFNet and IRC in general has become a mainstay in many internet users' lives.

Jim Smith, system administrator in charge of one such IRC server, lovingly patted the machine in the back corner of the server farm room. "This machine hasn't even been turned on in 4 years. Does that stop anybody from trying to connect to it during netsplits and heavily lagged periods of time? Nope! Boy, are these IRC users dumb! We've got three of these babies, and none of them have been working properly in the past decade or so. Just for fun we turn one on and hook it up to the network for a while, but when, say, a thousand lusers connect to it in the vain hope an IRC server is actually running, we pull the plug just for the hell of it!"

EFNet was once the main vehicle of communications in the early years of the internet but is now mainly used either for SPAM purposes or for transmitting messages to IRC users that a netsplit has occurred.

When one IRC user was asked why he just didn't go to another IRC network, he replied "No way d00d! This is where all my l33t friends are! Well it's either there or on AOL Instant Messenger...". AOL is in fact the only other internet service that has broken EFNet's record by being non-operational since the very beginning when the power switch was first turned on in Steve Case's garage back in the 18th century B.C.

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