Man Charged With Crashing Windows

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, March 9, 2000

from the is-this-a-distant-relation-to-jesse-berst? dept.

MOUNTAIN HOME, AR -- Eric Turgent, a closet Linux advocate, was arrested yesterday for intentionally crashing his co-worker's Windows box at the offices of the "Roadkill Roundup" newspaper. Turgent disputes the charges, saying, "If causing an operating system to crash is illegal, than why isn't Bill Gates serving life without parole?"

Turgent's co-worker, Mr. Stu Poor, the clueless technology pundit for the newspaper, is a heavy Microsoft supporter. He frequently brags in his weekly Tuesday Tech Talk column that he "once had a conversation with Bill Gates." In short, he is the local equivalent of Jesse Berst. Last week he published an editorial entitled, "Freaks in Linux Houses Shouldn't Throw FUD", in which he wrote:

As you all know, February 17th was the happy day that Microsoft officially released Windows 2000. I went down to the local Paperclips computer store and asked if they had any copies in stock.

One of the pimply-faced Linux longhairs explained that Paperclips didn't carry Win2K because it is not intended for consumers. What FUD! I can't believe the gall of those Linux Communists to spread such FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt) about Windows 2000, which is _the_ best, most stable operating system ever produced in the history of mankind!

It should come as no surprise that this editorial enraged Turgent. A heated argument broke out yesterday morning in which the two insulted each other ("You're nothing but a Linux hippie freak on the Red Hat payroll!" vs. "You make Jesse Berst and Fred Moody look like [expletive] geniuses!") for two hours.

Before the argument, Stu Poor had been composing a new op-ed, "Java and Linux -- The Edsel and New Coke of the 21st Century", on his machine running Windows 98 SE (Sixteenth Edition). At the heat of the moment, Turgent shoved Poor aside, fired up Internet Explorer, and typed in "C:CONCON". The machine crashed and the pundit lost all of his work (a real loss to humanity, to be sure).

When Stu Poor protested, Turgent taunted, "What are you going to do? Call the cops? Ha ha!" The pundit did just that, and now Turgent is in jail awaiting trial for violating the "Slash Crashes Act". This bill was enacted in 1999 after a Senator's gigabyte cache of pornography was destroyed by a Windows crash.

The case is expected to go to trial next month. One of his lawyers said to Humorix off the record, "Turgent is not the criminal. Windows is a con -- a C:CONCON, that is, and the Microsoft Marketing Department is the con-artist. My client is innocent."

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