Real Proof Of Bill Gates' Satan-ness

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, March 13, 2000

from the it-comes-from-a-reputable-source dept.

Over the years many have claimed that William H. Gates III is indeed Satan himself. These people always present very sketchy evidence, often involving some trick where his name is converted into 666 using ASCII. However, thanks to the diligent efforts of our Vast Spy Network(tm), we have been able to obtain a document that directly proves Bill Gates' Satan-ness.

The document is a recently published article in that stronghold of journalistic integrity, the Weekly World News. Titled "Is Your Computer Possesed by a Demon?", it describes how Satan is infecting computer systems worldwide. The article states, "Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit."

If you're professional Microsoft basher and Linux advocate, then you should already know that Microsoft officially unveiled Windows 1.0 on November 20, 1985 for the bargain basement price of US$100 (or 666 Mexican pesos at the prevailing exchange rate at the time).

The conclusion, therefore, is obvious. Evil spirits began infecting computers in 1985. Windows began infecting computers in 1985. Thus, Bill Gates is Satan. QED.

If you are not convinced, however, the Weekly World News provides more evidence. For instance:

"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"

Clearly this stream of nonsense is a typical Windows error message, such as the Blue Screen of Death. With emphasis on 'Death'. As an aside, "Fatal Exception Error" translated literally into ancient Babylonian slang means "This won't happen again if you sell your soul to us".

Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently."

This is excellent advice. However, you don't really need to pay $1,000 to have a technician type in FDISK and insert a Red Hat Linux installation CD.

"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.

Of course. After experiencing the 5,423rd random data-losing Windows crash, it's no surprise that even the most mild-mannered housewife would use such phrases as "I hate this !@*#?#% computer! Who the %*!&%#@ designed this *$@&%$@ thing?" and "If I ever see that $&*!%@ Bill Gates I'm going to #*&@^#^&*!!!!"

So there you have it. Bill Gates really is the Master of ActiveHades(tm), an underground crypt beneath Building 13 of the Microsoft Campus where people who didn't register their copy of Windows 98 are sent when they die.

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