Greed Inc. Acquires Microsoft

Fake News written by Matthew "I still have no nickname" Adair on Monday, March 20, 2000

from the nobody-saw-this-one-coming dept.

REDMOND, WA -- Our Vast Spy Network(nonTM) has just received word that Greed, Inc. (Nasdaq: CASH) has initiated a hostile takeover of Microsoft for 256 billion dollars. This little-known (but high-profit) multinational corporation, we are told, makes money by acquiring other companies and marketing their complex and user-hostile products. As one source noted, "Greed operates much like Microsoft... Only about 50 times worse, which makes this a match made in hell."

Greed CEO, Ms. Robberta Barone, announced in a press release issued just minutes ago, "We at Greed, Inc. have been monitoring Microsoft for years and are very delighted with its line of bloatware. We feel that by purchasing Microsoft we can more efficiently fulfill our Mission Statement of 'Making consumers miserable by turning Capitalism exclusively to our advantage, while earning a huge profit.'"

Bill Gates, Chief Bloatware Architect for Microsoft, seemed rather shaken in a hastily conducted ActiveTelecast(tm) over the Microsoft Network(tm). He uttered, "The only way they could buy us out is if they are richer than I am! Holy crap, I'm not the Richest Man Alive(tm) after all!"

This breaking news is already causing a firestorm of activity on Slashdot. Indeed, the server has already crashed. Rob Malda said, "I hate this! Whenever important news breaks the server always overloads. How can we be 'News for Nerds' if we can't stay online when news breaks?"

Fred Moody jumped out a window at ABCNews's offices after yelling, "Without Microsoft my life has no meaning!" We haven't received word yet on Jesse Berst's reaction.

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