Microsoft Cockroach Squisher: The First Steps Toward WWIII?

Fake News written by Nick Sandru on Monday, March 27, 2000

from the a-fight-to-the-finnish dept.

Last month Humorix reported on Microsoft's announcement of DirectSquish(tm), the Cockroach Squishing feature to be included in BloatOffice 2005. Microsoft spokesdroids have showcased DirectSquish as form of entertainment for BloatOffice users (who otherwise would face two options: die of stress-induced illnesses caused by bluescreens, or die of boredom caused by watching those nasty dancing paperclips). According to our sources, however, DirectSquish serves a far more sinister purpose that Microsoft is keeping under a thick veil of secrecy.

Some pundits have argued that DirectSquish is a feature designed to destroy bugs (allegedly a kind of genetically engineered grasshoppers, or GEGs) planted by Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm). This is not entirely true. According to unconfirmed reports collected and transmitted by Humorix's GEGs from within Microsoft's new flagship, the "M.S.S. Windooze 2K" [Note 1], the Cockroach Squisher software is an experimental scaled-down prototype of a new class of weapons devised by Microsoft to eliminate its competitors.

The data collected so far provides reliable evidence that Microsoft is in the process of fitting its new Y2K-class ships "M.S.S. Worldisourstorule" and "M.S.S. Excelsibur" with full-size weapons based on DirectSquish technology that are programmed to exterminate penguins, gnus, gnomes, gimps, cameleons, fire-breathing dragons, and little cute daemons. The two ships, currently being fitted at the Microsoft shipyard near Redmond, WA, constitute the main component of a battle group Bill Gates is preparing for a secret mission. It is almost certain that the group's first destination will be the penguin breeding grounds in Finland and California and the reservation of gnus in Massachusetts.

At a recent Microsoft fleet commanding officers (CO) meeting, Chairman Bill gave the general battle order for the MS-Navy to "(1) blast to atoms the penguin-ridden Silicon Valley, (2) send the Finns back into their saunas, penguins included, and (3) bomb the gnu-infested MIT back to the Jurassic era, when dinosaurs ruled the world and gnus didn't exist."

He then added, "The reason I've decided to go with a naval fleet instead of nuclear 'ProfitKeeper' missiles is that I really, really love the color blue. Screen blue, that is. Blue reminds me so much of death, which is exactly what we're aiming for." [So, in other words, the BSOD is a feature, not a bug. And as such, it's the only reliable feature Windows has. -- The Editor]

Despite his powerful weapons Chairman Bill is likely to encounter not only the shortcomings of his Navy, but a stiff resistance as well.

Microsoft's newest Y2K-class ships are not only huge and hard to steer properly, but are also plagued by frequent breakdowns and failures caused by flaws and errors in their design and construction. For example, the MS-Navy has commissioned a new supply ship called the "M.S.S. Innovation" to follow their task force, providing assistance along the way. This ship incorporates every single bloated Microsoft "feature" (including MS Bob and Edlin) to date.

Microsoft faces a large number of opponents ranging from grassroots organizations to governments. For example it is unlikely that any Microsoft Y2K-class ship will be able to squish penguins in Helsinki because the Danish government is unwilling to let the ships into Danish waters. "Think what would happen if any of those huge things would get stuck or go down in the Oeresund and Great Belt straits... all of the traffic to and from the Baltic would be blocked for weeks or even months," said one Danish government employee who wants to remain anonymous.

Among Chairman Bill's opponents, GnuPeace is undoubtedly the most radical and, despite the deceiving appearance of its leader, is capable of wielding considerable power.

GnuPeace's main battle fleet consists of two quite old, but powerful and reliable ships -- the "R.M.S. Emacs" and "R.M.S. GCC" [Note 2] -- which have been repeatedly upgraded and improved for more than 15 years, joined recently by the newly commissioned "GnomeWarrior". The flagship "R.M.S. HURD" is finally undergoing sea trials after many years of construction work, but it is unlikely that it will be ready to enter service any time in the near future.

While Microsoft keeps the blueprints of its ships a heavily guarded secret, GnuPeace has published its blueprints freely so that anybody can reproduce and modify them. Most navies, Microsoft included, have built ships using GnuPeace's blueprints. In fact, they are so common that most people tend to ignore their origin, a fact that infuriates the GnuPeace leader to no end.

The other force opposing Microsoft is an unlikely alliance of grassroots movements, secret organizations and Fortune 500 companies, known popularily as the Open Source Movement (OSM). It is widely supposed that the force behind this alliance is a secret organization known as The Eric Conspiracy, whose purpose is nothing less than world domination.

The fleet assembled by the OSM is as heterogenous as the members of the alliance. The OSM flagship is the "Bazaar", a surprisingly effective ship considering that its design is the result of the work of many hundreds of people. On the bridge of this ship stands a Jedi knight who is considered to be the chief of The Eric Conspiracy. For some reason, unlike the other Jedi knights, he wields a handgun instead of a light saber.

The efficiency of the "Bazaar" technology has been demonstrated by the "Linux" (or "GNU/Linux", as GnuPeace insists on calling them) series of ships. These ships, initially designed in Finland by a student that got fed up with slaving to MS-DOG rowing boats, have proved extremly reliable and flexible, and they are the main reason for the raid planned by Chairman Bill on Finland.

Another contribution to the OSM fleet is the "FreeBSD". Based on a design more than 25 years old, it has proved as reliable as the "Linux" ships. It's rather drab exterior conceals a remarkable capability to cope with huge loads -- much larger than what the shining and streamlined "Linux" are capable of handling.

The "Bazaar" has been joined recently by heavyweights like the "Netscape", whose owners aim at taking the seas back from the "M.S.S. Exploder", and "Solaris".

Given these opposing forces we are facing the possibility of a global confrontation: nothing less than WWIII. Thankfully, there are two factors that might prevent a world war:

  • The US Department of Justice. This last, but not least, Microsoft competitor is already weighing in with their two dreadnaughts, the U.S.S. Constitution and U.S.S. Free Enterprise. The admiral of this fleet, Joel Klein, says that the outcome of this confrontation might prevent future battles.

  • The size and weight of Microsoft weapons. Even the smaller Cockroach Squisher is so big and heavy that it is questionable that a ship fitted with this weapon would ever be able to leave port.


Note 1: M.S.S., standing for MicroSoft Ship, is the designation for ships built at the Redmond, WA yards.

Note 2: R.M.S. is the designation for GnuPeace ships (it's actually the initials of GnuPeace's chairman). There is no known similarity between these ships and a famed passenger liner that went down after a collision with an iceberg. In fact there are more similarities between the Microsoft ships and that liner -- namely the poor maneuverability, the insufficiency of basic safety equipment and the abundance of useless features.

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