Update: Microsoft To Build Orbital Post

Fake News written by Matthew "This Nickname Contains No Typsos" Adair on Saturday, April 15, 2000

from the ProfitKeeper-missiles-in-Gates-Square dept.

Recently Humorix mentioned rumors that Microsoft had launched its ProfitKeeper missiles at the Space Station Mir in response to the purchase of the aging USSR space relic by Rob Malda. However, records from our Spy Satellite Number 2 tell a different story: the missiles overshot the station by several thousand miles. Not because of a BSoD, but because Microsoft is engaging in a darker, more insidious plan.

Our correspondent and Mir maintenance chief Pitr tells us, "It seems that Microsoft's missiles are not missiles at all. They are proton boosters stolen from the RSA painted to look like Microsoft ProfitKeeper(tm) warheads. According to our radar, these proton boosters carry what appears to be the components of a space station."

The Vast Spy Network was able to acquire an internal Microsoft email giving us deeper insight into Chairman Bill's plans.


Subject: Windows 2001 -- An Innovative Odyssey
From: William H. Gates III, boss@mail.microsoft.com
To: Space Station 1.0 Development Team Members
X-Sender: Mozilla 6.0 (Rat Head Linux)
X-Security-Notice: This memo is confidential! Do NOT let it outside of HQ! Do not -- I repeat -- DO NOT allow this to fall into the hands of Humorix's Vast Spy Network... We all know what happened the last time they intercepted an internal document!

Dear Microserfs,

Recent events in the Linux world are disturbing. Not only did Mr. Malda purchase Mir, but Mr. Eric "Internal Memo Thief" Raymond is working on some project called GNU/Conquest, apparently a weapon of mass destruction. Let's not forget about the whole GNUist Conspiracy problem [Editor's Note: There is no conspiracy]. Finally, the barrage of anti-trust lawsuits courtesy of the "Justice" Department is only going to get worse. I'm really getting worried about the security of Microsoft. It's time that we start to think big. Very big. Much bigger than battleships.

We must take to the stars to ensure Microsoft Innovation(tm) will continue into the next Millennium(tm). That is why I suggest we build a massive orbital command center to assist the defense of this establisment. We currently have the systems to do this: Our DirectSquish(tm) weapons are easily adaptable to space, and I have recently made *ahem* arrangements... for access to high power rockets.

We must build this space station. We cannot allow the only station in space to be running an open-source [Editor's Note: Richard Stallman would like to remind you that the correct term is "free software"] operating system. That would be a disgrace to everything we hold dear. We must prove, once and for all, that American Ingenuity(tm) will always overcome evil Russian and Finnish excuses for "technology".

[Technical details snipped for brevity]

Yours in capitalism,

William Gates


Rob Malda posted an article on Slashdot stating that "maybe that Anti-Krul Laser(copyleft) is a good idea after all. Supervirii [sic] weapons are starting to sound quite intresting [sic] too..." Eric Raymond has been quoted as yelling, "GNU/Conquest is not a weapon of mass destruction! It's an RPG! I swear! Compared to ActiveNuke, it is completely benign!"

The RSA has demanded retribution for the stolen proton boosters, ordering, "We demand payment for our stolen hardware or we shall send the Russian Army to crush your puny stuffed-shirt office workers!"

A representative of the fabled "GNUist" organization told us, "Mr. Malda has little to worry about. We have been working in secret with Transme... wait, you weren't supposed to hear that. Ignore everything I just said. We must remind you once again that There Is No Conspiracy. At least none we can speak of at the moment."

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