Will Silicon Valley Become A Ghost Town?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, April 17, 2000

from the bill-gates-didn't-see-this-coming dept.

Back in the 80s, businessmen hoped that computers would usher in a paperless office. Now in the 00s, businessmen are hoping that paper will usher in a computerless office. "We've lost more productivity this last decade to shoddy software," explained Mr. Lou Dight, the author of the bestselling book, "The Dotless Revolution". "By getting rid of computers and their infernal crashes, bluescreens, and worst of all, Solitaire, the US gross domestic product will soar by 20% over the next decade. It's time to banish Microsoft crapware from our corporate offices."

Lou Dight is the champion of a new trend in corporate America towards the return of pen-and-paper, solar calculators, old IBM typewriters, and even slide rules. If "dotcom" was the buzzword of the 90s, "dotless" is the buzzword of the 21st Century.

We at Humorix took a tour of Bob's Mobile Home Factory, the first company to hop Dight's Dotless bandwagon and become computer-free. Productivity and profits have soared since the company instituted its "Microsoft-free, Crash-free, Solitaire-free, Headache-free Policy" last year. The owner, Bob Hunter, showed us his office where the only electronics to be seen include a Selectric II typewriter, a digital clock, and an old fax machine.

"I could write a whole book of horror stories I've experienced while working with computers," said Bob. "I don't fear Hell now that I've lived through Microsoft Windows. The move to a computer-free working environment was the best thing we've done since we switched to manufacturing double-wide trailers instead of single-wides."

Employee morale and productivity has increase substantially. One worker beamed, "I can type out a memo on this typewriter -- or heaven forbid, write it out longhand -- much faster than I could with Word. Especially when Word would always crash right in the middle of saving to disk."

The changeover wasn't without problems, however. "I had to give everybody a deck of cards so they could play Solitaire during their coffee breaks," said Bob. "They started suffering withdrawl symptoms without it. Oh, and I installed some flatscreen panels in the hallways that would randomly display a Blue Screen of Death or other common error. This way employees will still feel at home."

We of course asked why the company didn't adopt Linux instead of eliminating all computers. "Oh, Linux has some advantages over Windows, but I don't feel like editing a textfile everytime I want to do something new. I still haven't quite bounced back from that first horrible experience I had with vi. No, Linux wasn't the answer, and neither was BeOS, Mac OS, *BSD or OS/2. Computer operating systems all suck. Pen-and-paper is the best platform as far as I'm concerned."

Bob's isn't the only company to go dotless. Indeed, Lou Dight has founded a consulting firm to help other businesses re-enter the Old Economy. Ironically, Dights's company is expected to IPO next week. He admitted, "Well, my company has turned a profit, so I don't expect the IPO to do very well. These days investors only touch unprofitable companies like Amazon, but hopefully my Dotless Revolution will end all that."

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